the cronicle of a common human being...

well....it's true... =P

2011-04-30T01:38:00.002+08:00

These are the 3 biggest lies from a guy's mouth: -

1. I'm not that type of guy, honest!

2. I would never hurt you.

3. I'm sorry.

cheers!

the Kiss maybe....

2011-02-01T13:58:00.000+08:00

This is not like me at all

for once I'm lost for words

Rescue me from the mire

whisper words of desire

only violins and their many

can show you how I feel

So what you got to do

I said believe in you

I can't believe my eyes

Your smile has really thrown me

with your arms open wide

want you here by my side

a symphony inside me

I cannot take them lightly

Do what you got to do

I said believe in you

I had never felt like this

whatever made you choose me

I try to express this love of mine

It's not easy to define

when it goes this deep

when it taste this sweet

Do what you got to do

I said believe in you

Can't change the way I miss being reassured

when you hold me close

look into my eyes

and kiss your lips to mine

Can you hear my silent heart

It's hard to explain like the scent of a rose

how I feel when you hold me

it's too precious and wonderful to give it a name

a thousand love songs and a thousand words

your kiss is worth a thousand words

If you really wanna tell me that you love me

want your feelings to be heard

a kiss is worth a thousand words.

love,

Shahila Johan

EYES

2011-01-31T13:21:00.000+08:00

When I see your face and I feel so safe

Because you hold me in your warm embrace

The rainy days and the clouds that brings

Your amazing grace just calms me through it

Imagining sweet vision of your loveliness

The happiness and ohh... your tenderness

When it's love you give

Then in love you'll live

When there's love inside

Then there's a reason why

For all the love that we've shared

It makes me feel alive to know that you care

Could you be an angel from high up above?

To be sent down from heaven for me to love

Your sweet and smiling eyes just hold me darling

so beautiful and ohhh... so wonderful.

By looking in your eyes

I know I'm in paradise

With your gaze that glows

I can see beyond tomorrow

You're not wearing a disguise

And I know I'm hypnotized

The love that you see

Is where I'm longed to be

I just wanna see ME in your eyes.

I'm like a prisoner

Captured by your eyes

Your eyes says everything

It took me by surprise

So in your eyes

Is where I'd like to stay.

Shahila Johan

a little too soon?

2010-12-13T21:43:00.002+08:00

D'you ever wonder how your feelings changes rapidly sometimes that you don't know it's for the better or for the worst because you're scared you might ended up being hurt all over again or hurt someone else in the process because you think it's the right thing to do at that moment when you're having the toughest time of your life dealing with your emotions because your emotions might lead you to the stage that people might think it's a rebound even though you're sure it's not but you can't help thinking about it after they said it to you and your guilt haunt you down more that you can't stop thinking about that feeling even though you are sure that it's not what they say it's about and you just end up confusing yourself ?

I do.

Heaven side

2010-12-01T15:54:00.002+08:00

I look at your photograph all the time,
I can honestly say you've been on my mind.
I know you've gone but I can still feel you here.
I gotta keep it strong before the pain turn into fear.

How do you find the words to say
When your heart don't have the heart to say?

Now this is my goodbye,
here comes the first of every tears I'm gonna cry.
Though I'll never see you again,
And it'll take some time to heal the pain.
But even though everything is different now,
You'll be in my heart somehow.
So here comes goodbye.

You deserve the chance at the kind of love,
But now we'll never know how life might take us.
I never dreamed you'd go your own sweet way,
Ain't it funny how time slips away?

How do you find the words to say
When your heart don't have the heart to say?

Now this is my goodbye,
here comes the first of every tears I'm gonna cry.
Though I'll never see you again,
And it'll take some time to heal the pain.
But even though everything is different now,
You'll be in my heart somehow.
So here comes goodbye.

My dreams suddenly seem so empty,
Your life was taken away before I know it.
I never ever thought the there would come a time,
It's hard to understand that our story would end.

If I listen to my heart I'll hear your laughter inside,
And I know you'll be fine on the heaven side.

Now this is my goodbye,
here comes the first of every tears I'm gonna cry.
Though I'll never see you again,
And it'll take some time to heal the pain.
But even though everything is different now,
You'll be in my heart somehow.
So here comes goodbye.

Love,
Shahila Johan

It was you

2010-11-20T18:17:00.003+08:00

You said I was sent down from heaven,
that God has sent you and angel.
You said everybody's looking for that one thing,
and that you had found it in me.

But night after night I hear myself say,
How can this feeling just go away.
so I say...

It was you that made my eyes to cry.
It was you that made my heart to die.
It was you that made me break in pieces.
It was you that made me go all so senseless.
Cause it's you that had made me fall.
So it's you, you, you alone,
That made me write this song...for you.

You said my voice cradles you at night,
That you can never let me out of you're sight.
You said I'm pretty when I'm not wearing make up,
and that you'll die if we ever break up.

But night after night I hear myself say,
How can this feeling just go away?
But once again all you're thinking about,
is taking the easy way out.
So i say,

It was you that made my eyes to cry.
It was you that made my heart to die.
It was you that made me break in pieces.
It was you that made me go all so senseless.
Cause it's you that had made me fall.
So it's you, you, you alone,
That made me write this song...for you.

True lovers don't take it slowly,
When you've found the one and only.
Taking from a known sad story,
It's painted with pain and glory...
So I say,

It was you that made my eyes to cry.
It was you that made my heart to die.
It was you that made me break in pieces.
It was you that made me go all so senseless.
Cause it's you that had made me fall.
So it's you, you, you alone,
That made me write this song...for you.

But once again all you're thinking about,
is taking the easy way out.

love,
Shahila Johan

If I die.

2010-10-13T03:42:00.003+08:00

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing
Funny when your dead how people start listening.

If I die young, bury me in satin,
Lay me down on a bed of roses,
Sink me in the river at dawn,
send me away with the words of a love song.

the break up song.

2010-09-18T18:06:00.002+08:00

I've been running in your direction for too long now,
and I've lost my own reflection.
I just can't see how,
Why don't you catch me when I fall......anymore.

I know now if I play fire I get burned,
but it also can be warm.
You somehow promised that you will learn,
now I know all your emotions are just words.

I'm the flower in the smallest garden,
reaching for the light,
and you are the candle that's in the dark,
conquering my night.
Who's to blame,
If we can't hear our own voices......anymore.

things maybe different when we walk our path,
but I have to go.
we may struggle with our own task,
but I will take it slow.
when this is over,
there won't be no second chance.

If this is the moment,
that we will say goodbye.
If this is the moment,
i stand here all alone.
if this is the moment,
for the rest of my life.
If this is the moment,
that somehow leads me home.
I know you won't ever break my heart again.

the pain will ease if I can learn.
that the heart may freeze or it can burn.
I might crash buy I still believe.
Because from you, I won't be deceived.

So I'm letting you go and I'm turning around,
and I'm not gonna wait for you to come back now.

cheers
Shahila Johan

My Raya Post.

2010-09-18T00:17:00.003+08:00

So basically, my entry is a week late.

Raya is the time where I actually look forward to because of the food and family gatherings...and maybe those open houses that we just have to go.

This year was a bit different because I can't really feel it in my heart just yet. I was actually looking forward for the holiday I'm going to in the 4th day of Raya.

Even posting up a post is taking forever for me because my mind is still on holiday.

This is the time where everyone got to buy bloody expensive new baju Kurung/Kebaya/Melayu and got to showcase it to everyone. This year, my family somehow choose the colour white. I got mine at the very last minute, a day before raya and it's the most comfortable thing ever because it's huge, so I don't have to think about what I can or cannot eat later. and since I'm gonna where it the whole day, might as well pick the most comfortable one right? no jeweleries, no fancy styles, just plain of modern baju kurung kedah.....i think.. =P

I know this is the time where everyone would be salam-salaman and bermaaf-maafan and all, so right here.... I just wanna say....I forgive you all....HAHA!!!

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir dan Batin from my family and I!Cheers!
Shahila Johan

Done!

2010-09-03T12:44:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry if there's any wrong spelling I might write later because as I'm writing, my eyes are filled with tears.

It's Official, after almost a year of being in a relationship, it has finally came to an end. well yes, that means my heart has officially been broken. It's so painful that I am grateful that I still have feelings after all those numb-ness in my brain.

In 2 days (7th Sept), it's actually gonna be our 1st year being together minus the friendship bond we had. But I guess I won't know how it feels to be together with him for a year although I really wish I could.

I don't blame anyone in this broken relationship because I think both of us plays a big part on why this didn't work out although partly I still blame him for not telling me the real reason he wants to end it.

I guess i can't do anything about it. Although he'll still remain in my heart, I have to learn how to let go. sigh~ that's tough!

Life is beautiful, let's get a move on shall we? =)

Love,
Shahila Johan

HANTU!

2010-08-02T00:46:00.002+08:00

the other day, I went for a shoot and it's for a movie.
In the shoot, I was Kicked, Slapped, Punched, Stepped on, Hair pulled, Spat on, Cried, Eat outside the house on the sand, Yelled at, Pushed, Raped, Laughed at, Commit Suicide, Became a Ghost, Haunted people and Kills them.
I HAD A BLAST!!!

As you can see, these are the type of things that I wanted to do for a long time and finally got the chance to do it and I'm so proud of it. Of course it wasn't easy at first but slowly with the help of everybody around there I eased myself and just simply follow the instructions.

The director that's directing this movie is so open minded and willing to take the risk of hiring some non-experience actor like myself to act in his movie and I salute him for that.
You see, if it wasn't for him, I don't think I'll be doing all this or even get the chance to be in a movie because some casting agency said that my face is not the commercial type that can sell it to the audience. Well I hope I can somehow prove them wrong by doing this.

ou well........

Love,
Shahila Johan

Gloomy...

2010-06-02T16:15:00.002+08:00

sometimes you act before you could ever think because you were so mad and then the next day you wish none of it ever happen. But then you realize that nothing you can do to change what you did.

I have to say that I did it sometimes. I do regretted it but I found out that everything does happened for a reason. i heard a quote that says " tomorrow's a mystery, yesterday's a history but today is a gift, that's why they call it present!". yes, i got that now.

i won't know what's gonna happen in the future. I guess we just have to find out one of these days.

Love, Shahila Johan

Indian wedding ke?

2010-05-23T18:14:00.002+08:00

Yesterday i attended an Indian Wedding... You see, when I was invited, the 1st thing came in my mind was alot of coloured rice and flowers decorations, coconut water splashing, even a fire pit in the middle like the one we always see in the movies and photos. and that's the wedding that I expected for it was my 1st time attending a real Indian wedding.

When I got there with my friends, i was surprised! No colourful flowers anywhere in the big hall; there's tables with numbers and the food was served chinese-style-round-tabled; name was written in english with they're hindi style; no coconut anywhere for me to get my hands on; and (yes!you've got it) no fire pit in the middle.

It was a formal Modern wedding like every other chinese and some malay's weddings I've been to, but they did put in some really awesome bangra songs that I can't stop moving my head to.

so here's my question. Do people nowadays really forget about their cultural heritage? I mean, I know that's not what they intended but somehow does the western really brought a big impact to us Malaysian?
(blank) I got no answer to that.

If I were Indian or to marry an Indian, I would want all that cultural stuff because to me it's important to remind me where i come from and the legacy that I bring to my culture.

So, if any Indians out there who's getting married the more cultural way, please invite me so I can experience it myself. Please? =P

love, Shahila Johan

today's random playlist.

2010-05-21T16:16:00.003+08:00

as some people may know, i'm a "Playlist" person. my world revolves around pure emotions that runs alot of my playlists which includes "reminice" and "dejavu"..... yes, it's random but i think playlist plays an important part of my life as it can sometimes help me overcome with my emotions.

1. Crazy love - UNC Clef Hanger's version with Anoop Desai as soloist
2. For good - from the musical "Wicked"
3. Stay the same - Joey McIntyre
4. My redeemer's lives - Nicole C. Mullen
5. Reaching out - Lea Salonga
6. On bended knees - Boyz II Men
7. Anytime - Brian McKnight
8. All in love is fair - Stevie Wonder
9. Fallin' - Lea Salonga's version
10. If only - from the musical "Disney's Little Mermaid"
11. Secret - One Republic
12. Battlefield - Jordin Sparks
13. live like we're dying - Lenka
14. Burn - Usher
15. If I in't got you - Alicia Keys
16. somewhere out there - Linda Rostadt and James Ingram
17. Gravity - Mia Palencia
18. True colours - Lea Salonga's version
19. Fix you - Coldplay
20. Runaway - The Corrs

this is the original playlist that I got for myself today in original order. my emotions can be change from time to times.

love, Shahila Johan

Apakah!

2010-05-21T00:07:00.002+08:00

A: don't they know how to NOT disturb other people's belonging? sendiri punya tak reti nak jaga, kacau pulak....

B: Life....

A: sigh~

Runaway Train...

2010-03-16T01:17:00.002+08:00

you've heard about the stories where teenagers ranway from home and most of them caused by the broken home they live in. I don't blame them or the parents because we can't tell other people's feelings, we don't know what to expect.

my housebell rang at around midnight yesterday and thank goodness i was still awake at that time. of course i wouldn't dare to open the door to check who was outside at 1st, the heavy rain and loud noise doesn't help either, but i had the courage to open the door and wonder who's outside the house. There, stood a little girl, soaking wet in the rain asking for my sister. With no umbrella, she use her small bag as shelter from the rain. I quickly open the gate and scream to tell her to come in. the poor little girl was shivering when she in the house. with no change of clothes, I gave her a towel to wipe herself and my clothes for her to wear.

the little girl ask where was my sister whom is also her bestfriend from school and i have to tell her that my sister was in China for a trip and the girl was clueless on what to do next. i sat her down at the kitchen table and gave her some food and drink and directly ask her what was she doing coming here at midnight,n the rain, with no change of clothes, little money and no place to go.

the girl finally broke her silence and told me that she ranaway from home because she can't stand her dad and that she just have to get out of the house she's in. this girl just can't take the fact that her father being over-protected.

I think being a young teenager, you still wanna have some fun in life, but whether you like or not, you still have your parents to guide you through, no matter how hard they may treat you, they are still family! i guess she has more to learn about life.

for now, she is staying under one roof with me. with me, she got shelter and food but i can't provide her every needs because i got my own work to settle to. I really hope that I can convince her to make it up with her dad, i really hope i could change someone's life little by little. but for now, i'll just let her stay and rest so that she would trust me to help her.

love,
Shahila Johan

end of another great year.....goodbye 2009!

2010-01-04T13:13:00.002+08:00

with just another blink of an eye, another year just passed by...all my 23 years has taught me to hate,care and the most important one is still....LOVE....

i try to throw away all my negative habits slowly through the years and thank goodness it really opened my eyes so i can see all the goodness inside of everyone that i know. like they all say, everyone is special in their own ways right?so if everyone is special, aren't we all the same?

2009 has taught me a really great lessons especially in life. friends comes and goes... life can be a roller coaster ride... you won't always get what you want but if you try some times, you get what you need...

always feel positive to get the positive energy in you, never feel down, never make people feel bad, compliment others once in a while, never look down on yourself, don't complain all the time and never be afraid to speak out your mind. these are some of the lessons i've learn through out this year.

a new year has come for me to learn more lessons in life. i might fall some times, i even might be afraid but i know everything lessons are worth learn.

love,
Shahila Johan

Finish it!!!!!

2009-11-19T15:20:00.002+08:00

So, near yet so far
That's how it is,that's how you are
What more can I do? These walls won't let me get through
But if I know you, you will finish what you started
You'll come back to me
I know it's gonna feel like it used to be
So finish what you started
I will wait for you

I know where I stand, a fool for your love
that's what I am,I'm losing control
You're down too deep in my soul
To let you go, won't you finish what u started?

I'm standing here shaking, wondering if you let me in
Don't watch my heart breaking, knowing what we could have been
What more can I do? Your heart just won't let me through
But if I know you
And I think I know you,
And you can really show me if
You finish what you started
You'll come back to me
I know it's gonna feel like it used to be
So finish what you started
I will wait for youI will wait for you

my Worst enemy...

2009-11-06T13:17:00.002+08:00

my mother's always trying to tell me
how to be grateful, how to believe
my father's always trying to say
baby you're beautiful in every way
my lover's always got me in his arms
trying to protect me, keep me from harm
so why do i always have to be
my worst, my own worst enemy?
in the shadow, in the greys
in the lonely
there is a place
where we can all hide away
but in the window of the soul
there is nowhere we can go
if we keep running
running from our destiny......

blush

2009-10-26T05:02:00.002+08:00

is, this love?
feeling restless inside
wanting you
to always be my side
i don't even want you out of my sight
you are in my thought all day and night
i can't get you out of my mind
i'm in love.

can't describe
words are just not enough
can't explain
it all happened so fast
what exactly i'm feeling right now
if this is love, i got to know somehow
just how long this madness will last
cause i'm in love

i'm in love
i'm in love with you
every single day
every single night
every single moment of my life
i want to spend them all with you
i'm in love
i'm in love with you
tell me that you care
tell me please.....
tell me that you feel the same way that i do

<3

happy 1st anniversary Riefy!

2009-10-10T01:36:00.003+08:00

i have been waiting for this moment to write this entry, for today was the day that i've lost a dear friend. he is the bestfriend that a friend could ever need. the one that would be there when your legs doesn't touched the floor or when everything around you falls apart. he would just lead me to his open arms and hold me tight. that was all i needed...his arms... RIP Riefy.

it's been a year, since i last hear his voice, the laughter that we had.. that was it for me. i don't need to be in love or be someone i'm not around him. i could go with a granny looks and still get his attention.

tonight, i wanted to write a really long post about everything we had since we where a kid but somehow i think it would hurt me more just reminiscing about it. so instead, i'm gonna write things that happened to me after he is gone.

i was in Penang on tour performing when i heard the news, everything starts spinning around that made me dizzy. i can't think. i was so devastated that i wanted to just go back and cry.

i remember him telling me that it's not too late to find love again after my breakup with my boyfriend of 4 year. He was right. lately, someone actually thinks about me, helped me though my hardest times, i felt loved. maybe he's the one that could guide me though on this place called earth. i mean, maybe Riefy has been my guardian angel all this while that's been helping me through out my days now(although i think u came slightly later ek?lol). i've spent all my life waiting for that second chance and it has finally arrive (i hope)... i want it to be the one (Riefy, if u can hear me right now, is he the one?please give me a sign)... i hope he guide me through again...

i don't wanna cry tonight coz i know he wouldn't like it. he would not want me to cry for him.

Dear Riefy,
a year of your absent in my life have made me a more stronger person, independant in everything that i do.
but i'm still lost, lost in this twisted land that can sometimes be so brutal that i wish i was with you right now.
but i can feel your present, i can feel that you're guiding me to where i should be, what i should become, why i should hold on to whatever that i've been doing.

i don't know just where i'm going,
and tomorrow, it's a little overwhelming,
and the air is cold,
i'm not the same anymore.
i've been running in you direction for to long now,
i've lost my own relection,
an i can't look down,
if your not there to catch me when i fall.

all along, all i ever wanted was to be the light,
when your life was daunting,
but i can't see mine,when i feel as though you're pushing me away,
well who's to blame?
are we making the right choices?
cause we can't be sure if we're hearing our own voices
as we close the door even though we are so desperate to stay.

and i still cry,
and i might still bleed,
these thorns in my side,
this heart on my sleeve,
and lightning might strike,
this ground at my feet,
and i might still crash,
but i still believe.

that this is the moment i stand here all alone
with everything i have inside, everything i own
i might be afraid, bbut it's my turn to be brave
if this is the last time before we say goodbye
at least it's the 1st day for the rest of my life
i can't be afraid,
cause it's my turn to be brave.

Love you always,
Shahila Johan

life in a week.....(in speed)

2009-10-06T14:56:00.002+08:00

Lost driving licence.

Grandpa passed away.

Skipped rehearsals.

Got into car accident.

Pay for someone's car damaged by me.

Pay for my car damaged. (tow trucks and all)

Went police station to make report of losing driving licence.

Pay more to get licence done.

what a life. End.

begin....

2009-10-02T11:48:00.002+08:00

where do i begin my love?
Starting with the things i havent said enough of,
starting with the day you changed my life,
and ending with the way i feel tonight,
where do i begin?

where do i belong when you're not here?
this is beyond my darkest fear,
i don't know where i end or where i start,
each mile in between us is way too far,
where do i begin?

i've always counted all my blessings
knowing you'd defend me
and stand by my side
if only i didn't lose my senses
each time i intended
for these words to come out right

where do i begin my love?
i always read the last page instead of the 1st one,
well there's no need to rush it all in,
i love you and i'll say it again,
where do i begin?
where should we begin?

Glen Ballard

if i told you...

2009-09-03T01:35:00.003+08:00

if i told you that i lie sometimes,

if i told you i'd run away,

if i told you who i was before,

would you follow me?

if i told you that i sneak sometimes,

if i told you that i love too much,

if i showed you the other side,

would you follow me?

cause i'm shedding my skin

so you can see my face,

i need you to know who i am.

i'm ready to go where i've never been,

will you stay around and follow me?

late night....

2009-08-25T03:39:00.003+08:00

i feel like sneaking out of the house and get caught by my dad and he grounds me for life...
tapi dia percaya dekat aku dan bagi aku kunci rumah.

i feel like sneaking into the kitchen and make a mess while everyone is sleeping...
tapi aku malas nak bukak kunci pintu dapur.

i feel like eating ice cream in the kitchen in the dark...
tapi ice cream tak ada.

i feel like making prank calls in the middle of the night...
tapi handphone dah habis batteri.

i feel like having midnight snacks with my sisters while laughing our heads off reminiscing the past...
tapi adik adik semua dah tidur.

i feel like blasting my stereo as loud as possible...
tapi takut jiran jiran pulak yang bising.

i feel like walking in the park infront of my house with a torchlight...
tapi minggu lepas dengar ada budak kena culik.

i feel like writting poetry and lyrics...
tapi idea dah kering, ilham tak ada.

i feel like cleaning my room...
tapi siapa yang gila nak kemas bilik yang belum dikotorkan.

i feel like singing and practice my vocal range...
tapi aku takut anjing jiran sebelah aku melalak lagi tinggi dari aku.

i feel like calling up someone just to chat the night away...
tapi aku tak nak membazir kredit aku.

i feel like watching a movie in the dark...
tapi semua movie dvd dalam rumah dah tengok.

i feel like sleeping...
tapi tadi aku tengok cerita hantu, sekarang takut nak tidur sorang sorang.

sengal!

complication...

2009-08-23T23:19:00.002+08:00

come on people, you really don't have to complicate things. all you really need is..

begining, middle, end.

what's so hard about that? you don't need to turn back or fast forward or complicate things to the worst. you're making it worst for yourself by the way! BUGGERS!

ARGH!

massive hedging.

2009-08-23T01:31:00.002+08:00

i just finished watching "Michael Jackson's History World Tour Concert" in 8TV(was changing channel since i got nothing much on with my life right now) a few minutes ago and my hand just started itching for me to blog about it.

from what i've seen and learned from his remarkable concert is that, i've noticed that he ALWAYS compliments other than himself... after each song, i noticed that he would scream "I LOVE YOU" to his wild, screaming fans who always burst into tears for some reason; and through out the concert you will hear a lot of "you're beautiful" or "you're wonderful" and when he hears people screaming "i love you Michael" he would answer back "i love you MORE"... i mean, where other artist would say that? they would just go "i love you TOO"... Michael is so different and i think by doing that, he gain so many fans all across the world and he still is.

the news of his death was devastating, i remember i was sleeping when i dad woke me up just to tell me that Michael Jackson is dead and i just laughed at him because the day before i was checking out his concert tour that was supposed to be on in July. but when i go online and found out it was true, i just ran and try to find my Michael's collections, but i couldn't find it since we shifted our house here, and i just burst into tears. yes!i can't believe myself that the King of Pop would just die without any news before that. the thing that really gets on my nerves is right after his death, everything about him is just 'UP THERE'..everyone started to idolize him, mourn for his death, buy all his albums. where else before his death, you call him wacko jacko!buggers! the news of Michael's death really shocked the whole world doesn't it?

enough about his death, i just wanna blog about what those stupid idiots was thinking when they called Michael Jackson a paedophile for letting little boys sleeping on his bed. i mean, come on la, why do you let your son sleepover at Michael's house if you knew he was a paedophile? be rational you moron! and all the morons that supported that statement of Michael being a paedophile! i know for sure those idiots are just in it for the money. look at him, he got his own neverland for goodness sake.

the reason for him to love the childrens and the boys is SIMPLY because he had a tough childhood and he doesn't want it to happen to any of the kids so he tries to help them by bringing them to his neverland ranch for the sake of making them happy and let them feel loved. he wouldn't have the chance on those kids IF their completely insane parents doesn't let him. so who do you think is the one should really be blame here?

if you really listens to his inspirational songs like 'heal the world', 'man in the mirror', 'earth song', 'the lost children' and 'we are the world' just to name a few, you know that he is trying to reach out to everyone to make a chance, it doesn't have to be big, a tiniest chance can make a big different in the world. most of the songs are about children, so do you really think he wants to sodomise those innocent kids?

think about it!

month of serenity.

2009-08-22T16:11:00.004+08:00

kenapa start bulan puasa sahaja, semua orang tiba tiba insaf? tu pun bukan semua orang, ada juga yang tak puasa, curi makan gak, cari port mana mana, suruh kawan kawan cina dorang pergi pergi makanan lepas tu makan besar besaran mana mana port yang kosong. tapi bagi aku la, aku rasa yang tak puasa pun lagi jujur dari orang yang buat muka puasa, lemah sebab nak balik cepat dari kerja, tidur lepas tu bukak puasa. solat boleh pulak terlupa. Lupa solat takpe lagi, yang buat juga benda benda tak senonoh lepas berbuka puasa tu, apa nak jadi dengan orang orang zaman sekarang ni? hipikrit sial! alamak, ter-mencarut pulak tiba tiba dalam bulan Ramadhan ni, minta maaf ah, aku cuba tak mencarut lepas ni, tapi setiap kali aku mencuba, lagi banyak pulak aku mencarut. Pening pulak kepala otak ni. continue la....

sebenarnya aku sendiri pun tak boleh nak comment sangat tentang hal hal ni gak sebab aku pun orang zaman sekarang. aku memang malu la, kalau boleh nak juga aku lari time time mak bapak aku dulu, baik sikit kot, walaupun style hancur tapi atleast dorang tak ada lah nak seganas kita semua ni. tapi fikir fikir balik, zaman dulu dengan zaman sekarang ni pun sama sahaja la. ada juga orang yang tak puasa, tak sembahyang, tak menunaikan perintah Allah. Maksiat merata rata. aku pun tahu aku ni bukan baik mana tapi atleast aku tahu juga baik buruk dunia ni, i mean, kitorang ni semua menumpang sahaja dalam dunia ni, nanti dah mati nanti tahu ke nak pergi mana? faham faham lah sendiri.

lagi satu ni, kenapa bulan puasa ni semua orang macam makin malas ek? tahu lah letih tak dapat makan lunch tapi sampai nak buat muka expired setiap kali boss suruh tolong buat kerja tu nak buat apa? nak pahala tapi niat tak ada. suruh pergi senmbahyang terawih ada pulak alasan ada hal kena keluar, balik balik terjumpa tengah lepak kat mamak mamak mengumpat pasal Mak Bedah sebelah rumah or budak gampang yang langgar kereta kau bila nak balik berbuka tadi lepas tu nak plan pergi attack budak tu. tak ke kena tarik balik pahal puasa engkau tu? bodoh!

aku rasa lepas aku habis tulis blog ni, pahala aku pun tinggal separuh sebab banyak pulak aku mencarut. so daripada aku mencarut lagi pasal orang orang tak guna, baik aku pergi jaga anak adik aku tu lepas tu masak untuk keluarga. 1st day of puasa, makan la dengan family semua k? tak payah nak lepak jumpa kawan kawan, kalau nak jumpa juga, jom, jumpa dekat masjid bila nak sembahyang terawih. Masjid Al-falak dekat USJ9 tu besar, pergi penuh kan. aku pergi juga la.

=D

the encounter...(part 2)

2009-08-22T00:57:00.002+08:00

first expression......

~U PERV!!!! (great, another catastrophe...)

after i got to talk to you personally.......

~interesting conversation; should get together again just to talk about stuff...(but then, i don't have his number or any way to contact him anymore....)

so in the end.....life goes on.....

SHOOT!

backup session.

2009-08-21T00:34:00.002+08:00

Dilemma: I just see things differently, that's all. Grew up that way, don't think I'll be changing anytime soon. :P Even if I told you, you won't understand haha. xD
Brothers can have their moments too. =)
I'll try to smile k. Pretend s...mile at least. Don't want everybody around me to be affected haha. :D

Solution: As u can see, everyone see things differently, i guess that what makes us different and unique in the 1st place. but i can tell you that you should always, i do really mean always look at the bright side of life. everything in life is a blessing in disguise, but you wouldn't know it until you appriciate it. i've learned that lessons for sure.

i grew up differently too, and i don't think i can change anytime soon too but i guess i slowly adapt to whatever so i can slowly understand what other people are going through. i mean, come on, look at me, i'm 23 and i'm still single, because of that, people thinks that i'm a lesbian. what can i say?people talk..... but at the bright side, when they talk about me, it means that they are thinking about me... idiots... =P

sometimes, it's ok to have someone to talk to. i know i wouldn't understand everything that you're trying to tell me but isn't it good to atleast have someone to talk to instead of keeping it to yourself? well, i guess it's also a matter of trust, i may not the person you can talk to but you can always try telling somebody about it. anyone that you can actually trust and by doing that you will feel so much better.

of course brothers have their moments. sisters have theirs too... but do you know that once in a while, it's ok to talk to your sister about your personal life because it's relates to them in some way, although they are the different gender but they know how you feel and together you can learn more about each other.

fact, do you know that by 'pretending' to smile, it'll automatically loosen you face nerves and that makes you less stress slowly? so yea, pretend to smile all the time if you may...it'll make you feel better and at the same time, it'll make other people feel better too.

so think about it, love heals, when you feel like you can't go on, hold on to love and it'll keep you strong. if there's something that i've learned from this journey i am on, simple truth will keep you going and simple love will keep you strong because there are questions without answers you'll never get what you want all the time... that's why there is patience...

cheers

Mak kata tak baik main dalam rumah....

2009-08-19T15:36:00.004+08:00

Dear Kak Zaza,

i know it's been awhile(4 months maybe?), but i havent got the chance to really congrats you on your wedding day.. i mean, i know i did but yea...congrats again. it's good to see you wearing tudung (or hijab,whatever you call it) and tutup aurat, kira macam isteri solehah la ek? sejuk hati semua orang melihat seorang perempuan yang proper seperti akak sekarang ni, tapi adik ada satu je masalah ah kak...

kalau orang pakai tudung, tutup aurat, yang tutup segala galanya, tapi tak reti nak tutup mulut yang (dipanggil orang) 'lazer' tu, macam mana dorang boleh cakap yang dorang tu closer to God? i mean, no offence la kak, akak memang lawa la sekarang dengan seri tudung tu tapi mulut akak tu tetap (orang orang tua cakap) kurang ajar. setahu adik la kan, mengumpat dan memburuk kan orang lain physically or spiritually itu lagi teruk dosa nya dari menutup aurat, so what's the point of akak nak tutup aurat if mulut akak tu masih ter'buka'?

i know i'm not the most religeous person.....no wait, to tell you the truth,i'm not that religeous, i don't know much about religion, faith, beliefs and semua benda tu sangat la sebab adik tak dididik dari kecil on all these stuff..tu pun sebab adik punya keluarga lebih kepada my chinese roots..... jawi pun adik susah nak baca, hafal tu senang la. tapi adik belajar sendiri kak, adik dengan muka tebal pergi beli buku yassin, buku sembahyang dan buku buku lain yang sudah terjemah dalam bahasa rumi and then i go home, i would learn it myself. walaupun adik punya dressing memang boleh buat orang tua bunuh diri tapi adik masih sembahyang, puasa and baca yassin bila bila adik ada masa.adik tak minum, hisap rokok and buat benda bukan bukan yang adalah larangan, adik try not to mengumpat so much, so my favourite past time is just exchanging ideas and talk about teather, music or how to improve our corrupted minds... but adik tahu yang adik pun bukan baik mana pun, kalau adik pakai tudung sekarang, adik boleh gelar diri sendiri hypokrit.

kakak perasan tak sebenarnya negara kita ni pun dah corrupted dah pun, ahli ahli politik pun sama sahaja. so dari kita fikirkan and condamn our own country, why don't we just move on with our life and see where we can go from here...

akak pun dah ada family to take care of, so adik rasa baik akak lupakan hal hal mengumpat belakang orang lepas tu buat muka poker face akak tu, baik akak tumpukan lebih perhatian on your new family.

adik sentiasa mendoakan kebahagiaan akak dan abang Mail.

Love,
Adik mu yang terSENTAP!

lost contact.....

2009-08-18T22:02:00.003+08:00

boy: wei! ko ingat aku lagi tak???

*thinking blindly* *snap*

girl: Highschool????ingat ah.....dulu kita sama sama tembam!!! skang da hensem!

boy: hahahaha..ko pun dah mengancam skarang.....makin cantik siot.......ingat tak kite selalu gaduh hehehehehe.........

*laughing*

girl: gadoh satu hal....sampai nak bunuh plak tu!!!!hahhaaaa~ko tinggal mane sekarang?buat apa sekarang?

boy: aku still tinggal tempat lama kat Puchong.....aku belajar lagi...hebat ah ko..tak sangka boleh jadi pelakon pulak......dengan muke innocent dulu......tudung ala2 labuh sikit...hehehehe...bila ingat balik cute ah ko dulu.....hehehehe...tapi sekarang dah gorgeous....camane boleh kurus ni.....pergi slimworld per.............

girl: siot!!!!aku sakit ah dulu...ulser dalam perut!!!!sebab makan banyak sangat....hahhaaa~belajar apa dekat sana??innocent kepala hotak ko la...dulu selalu gaduh nak innocent ape ke bende ni???huhuhuuu~ko pulak?kenapa tiba tiba hensem?ko buat plastik surgery ek? =P

boy: hehehehe...sekarang tak nak gaduh ah...nak ngurat lak...hahahahaha....tu ah makan banyak sangat..tapi takpe ada hikmahnya...aku belajar microbiology..hehehe..mana ada duit nak wat plastic surgery...aku memang hensem dari dulu lagi...ko je yang tak sedar....hehehehehe....tak ah...aku kurang makan bila sekolah dah habis dulu......hehehehehe....kelakar ah dulu waktu sekolah dulu..tak leh ingat dah....

*paused*

girl: tu ah pasal.....gila nak ngorat!nak kena penampar????huhuhuuuu~

end*

moral of the story........no wonder she doesn't have a boyfriend...... -_-'''

the beginning of an end...

2009-08-18T12:40:00.003+08:00

has it been a week yet? no... baru 2 hari la..... 2 days ago was the final show of Kaki Blue the Musical in KLPac and i'm already missing all the full night rehearsals and performance. again, a new enviroment with another batch of new casts for me to minggle with. as asual, they are so talented in their own way. each and everyone of them has their own unique talent that i find it amazing. it's surprising to see alot of talents out there nowadays and all they really needed was a chance to prove to the world that they can do it too.

it was like yesterday i got an email from the producer saying "sorry to inform you that we have no part for you in this musical, hope to have you in our future productions" but then 2 days before the rehearsal i got an sms from her again saying "would you like to be in the cast of Kaki Blue the Musical?"(apa masalah dia pun tak tahu lah..), so ODVIOUSLY i said yes.. tak kan nak reject kot!

new casts, old casts are there in the cast so i don't feel like an outcast (wow)... the people that i know but never work with was there too...so you can see how amazing a production can be that we can get along very well.....

in these 14 weeks that we've been together, almost everynight nak tak nak kena gak tempoh muka semua orang, but i had fun, lots of fun.. got to learn new things everyday. the gatherings was awesome, alot of nitendo wii and watching youtube in that huge big screen that made me high. playing a psyco villian was great, got people actually boo-ed me meaning i did a great job la kot.

i always asked most people that i know who came to the show on what they think about the show but most of the answer would always be "hey, you got a good voice" or "that was you? omg!what a trasformation" (-_-)''' (apa malasah ko ni?pakai tudung pun transformation ke?) or "i love the second half better because of the song" or "1st half very funny..i loved it" or even better "it was great!"
and of course i also got some really honest answers.... i appriciate it dearly. honesty is STILL what makes me drown to. i love people who can give straight answer sebab i would just tell them how i feel about it as well....kan best dapat tukar pandangan...

not to forget that one night where we have to stay on stage after our performance because the the Deputy Minister of Defence wanna give a speech but ended up shaking everyone's hand while all of the audience had that awkward should-i-leave-now face.. jangan risau ah..we on stage pun feel the same way!

as usual, having post-production blues is horrible but once i'm done, i gotta start doing what i want to do for a long time... opening my own food bank. still thinking of how and where to start but shall get to it soon!

to all the Kaki Blue casts, technical and production team, thank you so much for the wonderful spirit that was shared during our times together and the vibe that keep us going. keep it alive people!

~sing for your supper~

the encounter...

2009-08-17T20:05:00.002+08:00

hand tingling,

face blushing,

head reeling,

heart beating,

pulse rushing,

that's what i feel when i see u.

end.

in another life time....

2009-07-19T00:23:00.005+08:00

i came across my super old lyric i wrote (but i can't remember how the melody goes...tsk tsk...).... back when i was young and full of love to this certain someone special whom i thought was the only thing that kept me alive.... but eventually it came to an end and suprisingly im still alive and doing fine... of coz, he'll remain in my memory forever....being bestfriend with someone you love is hard.... i'm more grateful with what i have now and so far, i don't have any regret on what i've done....RIP my friend.....

anyway, i thought of sharing what i've wrote a long time ago....just for the sake of remembering the melody of how the song goes...if i can't remember, i shall just make a new melody! =D

the day when you were mine

nothing else was really matter

everything to me was fine

when we could both have each other

in all the things

i could have seen

i imagine a place

where we could have been

if we could be together

for a hundred years

then atleast i know

that you're still be here

in another life time

it would be forever

i know by then

that we can be together

when i wake up

you will still be here

and you'll be there

to shelter my fears

i could hold on forever

just to see your eyes

i would take aother chance

to see you smile

in a memory

for all the things that we had

and the first time

when our eyes met..

in another world

that we could live together

our heart would beat

and we are so much closer

i know our life is matter

in another life

we can live together

in a place with no lies

but right now

i have to stay strong and true

there are lots of memories

to think of you

i know one day we will meet again

at a place and time

and you'll be standing there

waiting for me

in another life....

by, Shahila Johan

cheers

Shahila Johan http://www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com/

2009-07-18T00:25:00.004+08:00

its so hard, to let it go...

i've been a fool but now i know...

don't be afraid, just trust yourself...

one day you'll realize it's always been there...

let's run away, just for awhile...

to clear the mind, i would walk for miles....

just close your eyes, listen to the sound...

just hear the heart beats that's beating inside...

look in my eyes, what do you see?

cause that's what means the most to me...

touch my soul, don't let it go...

i want the feeling i know i can hold....

believe in love, cause it can heal...

the pain inside when your heart reels..

give me your love, and i'll give you mine..

because together i know our love will bind...

show me love, show me the sign...
so i can keep your heart in mine...

let's show to world, that love won't die...

love's the one thing that keep us alive...

the sun will rise and it will shine

the cloud will be clear and it'll be bright

let's share the joy and give what you can

for all of this will last forever in our heart

it'll remain there for internity

lit a candle, it'll bright the dark....

so you won't be lost and find your way..

with the strenght, it'll keep you strong...

your faith will lead you to where you belong....

by, Shahila Johan

cheers

Shahila Johan http://www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com/

the sign....

2009-07-11T02:06:00.004+08:00

i know tears will fall down from your face

when there's something you can't replace

when you have that hope that goes to waste

but you will learn from that mistakes

you can feel the rush that chills your bones

the bones that are sinking like stones

when you know something you cannot own

trying hard just to find that sacred stone

forget the heart ache or the heavy heart

there are laughter you just have to play a part

nothing in the world could be that hard

nothing in the world you can easily tear apart

most of us are always scared

we can be tired and unprepared

that everything could just shattered

when it is the most mattered

remember that life is for living

everything is not lost so just sing!

just fly away with those wings

just let out all of those wonderful feelings

where do we go to draw the line

your guess is as good as mine

i know somehow that we will find

God put a smile where there's a sign

cheers

Shahila Johan http://www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com/

<3

Keep searching...

2009-07-07T22:56:00.003+08:00

i know what i'm looking for

say the words i've never said before

i wanna break away from this chain

coz i don't wanna feel this way again

it's like an endless road

where the searching never end

it's like a river flow

to where i don't know

i keep searching for the answers

the thought of having happiness

i'll be counting all the miles

until finally.....i see u smile.....

cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan@yahoo.com

can love heal?

2009-06-11T01:58:00.003+08:00

tears are words that heart cannot express

but every tears that flows is always a bless

love comes and heals the wounded heart

it will guide you to what lies ahead

i've been there, had my heart broken

the memories that i thought had made me fallen

it heals but it doesn't seem like it

because right now, love is all i need

every song in the radio brings me back home

i know coz that's where i come from

why does saying goodbye hurt so much?

maybe it's because i love you that much.

i just wanna live and learn

everything that i light and i can burn

coz i know that love will heal
when there's nothing else that you can feel

love heals when it's too much to bare

like when you reach out but nothing's there

love can carry you home

love will lead you home

there is an end to the storm

a place that can keep your heart warm

hope is power, love will heal

for a love that heal

we are all star dust that shine on

we've been like this since we were born

love is all we need to heal

for love's the only thing that seals

for those who shield their heart

and for those who quit before they start

love heals when the pain is there

when there's no one for you to care

life will go on..you will smile again

WE will smile again!

by, Shahila Johan

cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com

'til we meet again...

2009-06-09T14:45:00.005+08:00

how long has the time passed
and i still can't believe you're gone

i really should miss you but i can't let you go

i look at your photograph all the time

i remember the little things

i remember 'til i cry

how can i ever say goodbye?

i can honestly say that you've been on my mind

since i woke up today

these memories came back to life and i don't mind

but i wished i could forget coz i'm wasting my time

a familiar song was played again today

through my tears i sang along

a song i knew our love from way back when

it used to be the favourite of mine

time had changed and everything is not the same

since you're gone and left me here alone

stopped by your grave today

feeling so empty like my heart had died

i wanted you for life

it hard to understand but i have to try

i never thought that there would come a time

that our story must end

so i just came to say....goodbye love......

by, Shahila Johan

cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com

a love song?

2009-06-09T00:52:00.002+08:00

this is a fact that i've known....people only read your blog or listens to your songs IF you put LOVE in it...it seems that no one cares if you don't have a life or happy about something...they just wanna know if you are happy with your love life or how heartbroken you are when you've just lost someone... -_-''' well...it's a fact!

i wanted to write about the moments that i had on everything involving me but somehow it doesn't really work unless i write something about having a crush on someone, or willing to do something for some one or even would die for someone.... so my next blog entry..i shall try to write more on those stuff and see how it goes la... now..i only have one problem...

i don't really feel the love... i mean, it's kindda hard for me to write songs about love.....no, NOT because i am single..and no, NOT because i've never been in a relationship before...i had 2 failed relationship.....it's just that..i lost someone so dearly to me October last year and the feeling of love is just hard to think of. although he was my bestest best friend, the love i had for him is more than the love that i had for my (guilty) boyfriends... the relationship that we had was not the same... the love that we had...i know that we can never be together but i kept hoping everyday of my life that someday he would actually......love me in return.....not as a best friend..but as his soulmate.... but now, i know that it WILL never be.... for he is now standing among the angels in the sky, maybe smiling down at me......or he could be my guardian angel that's been guiding me through......wherever he is..i know that he is happy.....

SNAP!!!!

woah....so yea..i shall TRY my best to start writting love songs or something.....

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

just a voice

2009-06-07T00:26:00.004+08:00

that one voice is conquering the night

singing through the darkness

it's reaching out for the light

clearing up the minds of the innocence

the voice speaking of words

that one day chould change the world

the voice would start on it's own

heart knows what to say
it'll make you dream 'till you found your way

there is an amazing strenght

with a million prayers

some are the victories that we've never planned

there's always a voice of an angel

shines the light upon your soul

a simple joy that life could bring

it's always the one with the courage
will teach you all you needed to know

it's the voice of reasons for you way

that voice will never be alone

it'll face all the unknown

that one voice will be heard

and it will awaken the music

and forever it will SING!

by, Shahila Johan

cheers

Shahila Johan

papa.........

2009-06-05T01:36:00.004+08:00

something happened that made me realized today

papa has been holding it too long

he's always trying to make us happy

that he forgot about himself some times

he always kept quiet

giving us food and shelter

giving us love and peace

giving us everything we could ever wanted

all he ask from us is just simply...

make him proud.

i know i'm not always there for you lately.

im always out when you're around

and i'm always home when you're gone.

they told me that you walked for miles today

just to take out some cash because there's none on you

and the ATM was far away

but you didn't mind because you knew it's your job

and i wasn't there to help you

because i was selfish and spent time with my friends

i should've been there for you

i should be the one who walk the miles for you

i should be the one that's taking care of you

i'm so sorry for not being there

i regret staying out too long

i always wanted to make you proud papa

but eventually i think i've let you down

i cried today just to think of you

i wish there is something i could do

just to turn back time and make it better

but i know it's too late but there's tomorrow

i shall not let you down and i'll let you see

papa, i love you with all my heart

thank you for taking care of me all this while

now it's my turn to be the one

to take care of you and make you proud of me!
i love you papa!!!

by, Shahila Johan

cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com

colours...

2009-06-02T01:40:00.005+08:00

you can't just judge me with just one glance

just because my colour is brown

it doesn't define who i am

this is not the only colour you will see

so why should you judge me by my colour?

colour is skin deep

to love me is to know me

so please don't judge me because of this

without colours, there's no harmony

just like without melody, there's no music
without a soul, it'll be cold

just like without parents, there won't be you

being in a mixed parentage has tought me alot

although i might not have the same colour

but i know more than you'll ever learn

just like how i know you've been judging me

i don't need to be call names because of my colour

because one day it might just be you

i may be white, i may be black

i am both colours in between

i can be a hero, i can be a loser

i am yearning for a name

i am hymn, i am heard

i am reasons without ryhmes

i am no one yet i am many

i am seasoned by each being

i am a student, i am a leader

i am fate and evolution

so do what you want

say what you can...

words can't slow me down

from doing what is meant for me...

by, Shahila Johan

cheers

Shahila Johan http://www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com/

numb...

2009-06-01T00:53:00.003+08:00

a sudden silence came to me

i wanted to just scream and shout,but nothing

nothing came out although i tried so hard

my heart moves so fast i just wanna stop it

im disappearing slowly i can see it fading

i feel nothing i my hand though i tried to touch

everything in my mind is colliding

it moves so fast it's creating chaotic

what's coming over me that i have no control?

i can't hear myself saying just breathe

my feet can't seem to find the ground

shiver cold i stand alone

my head is spinning, think im losing it

my senses gone, i've lost my way

lost in this maze of numb again

by, Shahila Johan

cheers

Shahila Johan http://www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com/

secret (hush!)

2009-05-30T01:55:00.005+08:00

the first time our eyes meet, my heart started pounding

the blood from my body started rushing

i'm not aware of my surrounding

everything around me started fading

my friend came to me and introduced you to me

i know you're something speacial when you spoke my name

i kept cool and shake your hand

i tried to be normal but i just can't

so we talked across the table

with a glance and maybe a smile

i feel like i've known you from another life

i can feel the connection when you looked into my eyes

but...

someone like you probably have someone loving you

and in my heart i know...

you got someone in your heart too....

by, Shahila Johan

cheers

Shahila Johan http://www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com/

we had that....moment...

2009-05-28T00:35:00.005+08:00

this is dedicated to the person i love with all my heart.

my Rieffy bear... you were my longest friend that i knew and because of that you became my BEST friend...and because of that, we have sworn never like each other at all, but guess what..i fell for you... and i still do. i've been trying to cope with everything without you but i can't seem to do it anymore. i wear a mask everytime i'm infront of everyone. i laughed with them, i wanna share all the good time i had with you, but i can't now. rest in Peace my brother. the one that i'll always love.....

you always pull my hair just to pick a fight with me

broke my favourite cd and made me cry

said i can never be a somebody everytime we argue

you're always the voice that say i'll never make it

you were so vein it makes me sick

and yet....

you called me your angel that was sent down from heaven

you held my hand each night just to comfort me

hold me close to your arms that i can hear your heart beats

gave me the strenght that i thought i could never have

telling me to live out my dreams for the best

i learned from you that i could not crumble

i guess what i'm trying to say is..

thanks for everything you've done

it's been so long since you're gone

i never wanted you to leave

i still need you here with me

i've been thinking about the past

and i can't believe that time's flying too fast

you know how i feel when i'm crying alone

you know where to find all my hiding places

i can never keep my secrets away from you

you tought me to stand on my own

you said that i was the diamond in the rough

i miss you, every night i'm thinking of you

the smile on your face that keep me alive

i still shed my tears once in a while

i feel empty and alone, i can't believe you're gone

you're always part of me, the one that sets me free

i know you're in a better place now

but i can still feel you through the wind

when it touches my face it feels like your hand

and you still guide me constantly

the memories come back and i don't mind

i know you are happy where you are now

even though it's not here with me....

by, Shahila Johan

cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com

i should be writing on.....

2009-05-26T17:05:00.003+08:00

everyone has their moment in time where they want it to be remembered forever. i know i have alot personal moment that i would love to write about, the pain i felt, the happiness that was shared, the love that i had. you know what...i wanna write about....

how you feel when the last massage you got from your best friend, before he pass away.

how to be the last person to say goodbye to someone who's already gone.

how you can only think of him and no one else.

how you wish you could turn back time and save the person you love.

how a special someone hugged you so tight you wished he wouldn't let go.

how you caught someone cheating on you after 5 years of relationship.

how letting go of someone you love can be so hard.

how love can be something wonderful.

how you've been wanting that certain someone so bad but you can't because they're happier the way it is.

how a moment of silent can make you realise the truth on something importants that's been missing in your life.

how secretly you have a crush on someone and hoping that he'll be yours.

how some feeling you get when your friend suddenly distant themselves from you.

how some feelings make you wanna just run away but you can't.

how you realise that there's a reason to go on living when times gets hard.

how you smile infront of everyone although you're hurting inside.

how we wish everything would be perfect.

how you have to distant yourselves from someone you would want to love because you don't wanna hurt them.

how life should just go on after a painful event happened that changed your life completely.

how you're hoping to work it out and you know that you can, but you need a hand.

how you promise to make a vow on making yourselves better for the future.

how a new born make you apreciate more on life.

these are the things that i wanna write about....i don't wanna write about how depressed i feel after alot of incident happened in my life. i want to write about the moment that happened in my life that maybe you guys can relate to.
this is LIFE.....

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

where has the music gone?

2009-05-26T00:26:00.002+08:00

this is so random but i MISS being in a band, where i got the opportunity to write new music, those lyrics that i usually write right after an incident that happened either it's good or bad. in ASK where i got the chance to express myself through music and not letting people push me around al though i must say some did give me the urge to be better coz they are so much more talented than i am.

majored in classical vocal was the hardest thing i've ever done in my entire life... not that i'm complaining or anything, i loved it. i actually learned so much more ways of singing than those normal pop singers do. i can sing with my head-voice so much easier now. i also managed to belt out some of the songs that i can never do before this.. :D

playing double-bass is the coolest thing i've ever did as well coz a)not many people i know actually play double-bass, for them is soo uncool coz it's not hip! b)got to learn the classical and traditional way of playing it in ASK and c) the only instrument that made me looked smaller coz i was quite big when i was younger.. :P i haven't touched a double bass for 3 years now...i wonder if i can still remember how to play that remarkable instrument...

piano, the least favourite instrument that was forced to learn when i was in ASK as my second instrument because i took voice as my 1st instrument. of coz, i make full use of that learning bit to actually create a silly song which as not a big success since i forgot all the keys and cords.. :P although it's my least favourite instrument right now, but i think i'm gonna start learning it by myself again soon so i can write better music after this. ;)

gamelan, being one of the compulsary subject in ASK made me learn all 8 instruments that's in gamelan which are the bonang, gambang, gendang, kenong, saron pekin, sarong baron, sarong demong and of coz, the ever so famous.....GONG! my favourite in gamelan is the gendang and gong! i can play it everyday!

wayang kulit... no, not the play..but the music behind it, again, one of the compulsary subject in ASK, i play the canang and gedombak most of the time but i also now a little bit on playing the kesi, geduk and GONG! :P the music is all about the rythm and we have to be consistent on playing it. i had fun performing infront of alot of people during our exam.

keroncong, i play the double bass and was forced to sing a keroncong song.. i almost cried when they ask me to sing a traditional song. it was so hard but in the end i still got to play my favourite instrument, the double bass of coz. but through keroncong, i also got the chance to learn how to play the cak, cuk and abit of the chello... although i was so bad in chello, but atleast i made a tune. :P

ghazal,the only course that i don't have the chance to learn to play any of the instrument. was abit disappointed coz i really wanna learn atleast an instrument but in the end, they want me to sing a ghazal song instead. and again, i cried la, i dunno how to sing a traditional song, but i did it anyway.

cak lempong, i still remember the 1st time i played it. it was so freaking awesome. i dunno i can manage to play it. it's a traditional hand percussion but it's like STOMP..so cool!i still have the cak lempong stick, something like a drum stick but it's not. :P

so, those are the things that i know how to play, music is awesome, i wish i can just play all day, but come back to reality, i need to work hard do get to what i can achive. i really wish i can make music as my career but i don't think i'm up to that peer yet. there are more talented people out there that need to be discovered and i wish them all the best.

SHOOT! i think i just had this brilliant plan!!! can be my next project!dunno it will work or not but i think i can pull it off!!! gonna talk to a few people who's good in rythm!!! ahhhhh~ can't wait!!!

cheers
Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com
<3

it's a wrap!!!!

2009-05-20T16:23:00.006+08:00

another amazing journey came to an end last week.... i've been with them since January... getting tanned because i have to stay under the sun alot.... :D i used to complain about it alot but now, i miss everything about it...from travelling so far every single day to eating too much to waiting too long..... i have to say.. Shooting a drama can be tiring, irritating, sometimes disappointing but overal.......i love the everything about it.... everyone is so nice to me....the actors are humble and modest.... shooting with Asia Media Center (AMC) has been a great experience for me... i won't trade it for anything else... :D

when i joined them the 1st time..i was really scared that the director's gonna be my worst nightmare..the one that would scream and shout at you all the time and all, but for this production, we changed our director 3 times and all 3 of them are so wonderful to work with. nothing like any other productions at i've worked with before.... neither stage production nor tv production... this might be my best production i've worked with, even the technicians are awesome and helpful. they have indeed teach me alot to be more aware of my surrounding and tabloids.....

my 1st scene with them was in UPM in Serdang....it was so freaking far from where i live but i got through it anyway....sun burnt because of shooting under the sun....thank good-ness none of my scene is being re-shoot at all....meaning the producer liked it..yay!

it's has been a wonderful experience for me being in a supporting role....this is the biggest one ever coz im in for the whole 26 episodes in the drama... i heard that this drama is going to be aired in September in Astro Prima, so let's get our fingers crossed it'll be great!

hahhaaaa~ i didn't mention waht's the title yet huh? it's called Katrina&Kamelia....

cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com

the end of another special memory....

2009-05-04T15:34:00.004+08:00

after 2 and a half months of intensive dancing, singing and acting rehearsal.....the show that i'm drowned to has finally came to an end yesterday... Prom the Musical has really push me to the limit where i know how much i can do in this performing art industry!

it was indeed a special performance for me because i got to know all these talented young new talents who is just waiting to be discovered. every single one of them are so special because they are unique in their own way. they may not be the best singer, dancer or actor but all of them came together and put on a great 6 shows in Pentas 2 in Klpac last week.

meeting them for the 1st time during the 1st rehearsal was fun because most of them are still fresh and you can see that they have the urge to learn new steps. some of them come and go, but most of them who stayed on for this production really did enjoyed themselve... some of them found their new friendship bond from this production and for some, it's their second family!

i indeed had a great time performing with them, i love everyone of them individually. this is the 1st time i got to sing and DANCE alot in a production....i usually sing more than dance but for this one, i surprised myself with all those crazy dancing steps and i managed to make it work!!! :D

it was a great experience working with the production team as well......everyone of us are very much intimate with one another.... we might had a rough time sometimes but in the end everything indeed worked out fine!

being a villian was fun...although it's a tough character but i hope i managed to convinced people that i can be bad too!!! :P

of coz, in many productions before, i just had to be the 1st to start the tears flowing session only this time during my last solo.....hahahaaaa~ it's funny coz because my song, there was a funny bit happened but i can't resist the urge to cry anymore so i cracked my voice during the last song!

to the casts, crews and the audiences.....thank you so much for making Prom the Musical a success because without you, there won't be us, there won't be Prom the Musical and i might never get the change to be the Prom Queen!!! :P

thanks for the memories and the beautiful spirit that everyone shared during our time together!!! hope to see you guys again really soon!!!

cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com

Prom the Musical live in KLPac..

2009-04-21T00:11:00.003+08:00

Host:KLpac & FUSS
Type:Music/Arts - Performance
Date and time: 29th April -3rd May 2009 8.30pm, 2nd and 3rd May 2009 3pm
Location:KLpac, Pentas 2
Street:Jalan Strachan, Sentul Park (Off Jalan Ipoh)

synopsis,

Nine performing arts students are preparing for their senior prom. This is the highly anticipated social event of the year that would mark the end of their college experience and the beginning of the rest of their adult lives. During the preparation of prom, friendships are tested, hard decisions are made. However, they are determined to make this prom a night to remember.

Gary, Leena, Sheila, Karl, Jill, Ming, Jacky, Kim and Liz are seniors at Galaxy International Performing Arts College. Journey with them as they prepare for senior prom, the highlight of their senior year that would mark the end of 3 grueling years at college chasing their dreams and finally making their way into the world. A coming of age story where teenagers battle with choices that impact their futures personally and professionally.

this is gona be the first time i'm palying a really bitchy and confident role....so do come and support...all of the casts are really talented bunch.....

come and join us for a wonderful evening of wonderful songs and dance......

THANK U FOR SUPPORTING MALAYSIAN THEATER!!!

cheers

Shahila Johan http://www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com/

the strenght of smilling...

2009-04-17T02:12:00.002+08:00

Wow! It’s amazing how time flies by so fast that I don’t even remember what I did for this past few months, but all I can say is that I did an awesome job of not wasting most of my time, which is good because if not, I’ll be wasting it by lying in my bed all the time and be a couch potato...
In these 3 months alone, I’ve achieved quite a number of achievements...and for once, I’m so proud of myself. I know by making myself busy is the only way to keep myself happy, not to have time to care what others says about me or think negative on other people gives me more (OMG!!) Serenity... OMG!! I guess the tarot card was right!!! Remember back in Christmas last year I said I had this tarot card reading session with my friends and my future was serenity??? Well, little that I know, I’m achieving it already. This is so awesome... I didn’t believe much at first because....we’re the ones that control our future and now, I am controlling to the future that’s the exact same word that the tarot card reads.

I don’t know if anyone notice this, but I’m actually smiling so wide alone at starbucks. I mean, I can’t believe that what I’ve been through early this year have been given me serenity, although it’s not the serenity that I wanted but somehow, it’s the one that I need. And yes, I wouldn’t change it for anything else.

I found out that the more you think about stresses and other peoples (other than your family) problems, you’ll eventually get stressed yourselves and then you would think how wonderful it is if you didn’t know about all this. So, why bother to think about all this problems, get busy and think about how much money you can make and how many new friends that you can meet... the most important thing is, ENJOY your work, have fun with it, think of it as a game and make it more interesting.

One more tips on making me happy..... If you can't make yourself happy...try making someone else happy.... help someone in need...i think by doing that, when someone else is happy, it'll eventually make u feel happy.... am i right? so let's try... :)

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

so what did u do during earth hour?

2009-03-30T22:12:00.002+08:00

so last saturday the whole of Malaysia join force to stop global warming by turning off our lights exactly at 8.30pm for an hour to support the cause named '60 earth hour'. so i was wondering what did you guys do in the dark for that memorable 1 hour? hanging out with family and friends? well....this is my story of what me and a few of my fellow cast mates did during earth hour in the dark.

one of the cast is kind enough to share his house with us to spend the day and because it's by the lake, we can see the whole of Cyberjaya from the balcony.

i brought my video camera to film the whole of Cyberjaya froma bright atmosphere to this pitch black land. the start was really awesome because we filmed everyone wishing 'happy earth hour' and one by one, we blew off our candles. it's so wonderful to see everyone together and spending time with them is just splendid....

so, what we did after that?heheheeee~
we decided to make a documentary on something.....it's so random because we don't know what to do so we had a person to tell us a ghost story and suddenly we heard noises from one room and that's where our rendition of 'homemade ghost-hunting' begins. whoever goes into the room, he'll die.... so eventually..one by one of us die.... a lot of shouting going on in the house to make it sound real... i have to give credits to all of them, they are such great actors even though some of them didn't get the whole idea of the documentary and laugh in the middle of the filming.... but in the end it still turned out great!alot of camera shaking and turned over and i have to admit, some part does looked so real that i freaked myself after watching it.. :P
yay~ we were awesome!!!!

an hour later, the lights are back on and some of them played ps3 while some of us just kept chatting away about random stuff..... honestly, it was a great night and i wouldn't want to do it some other way.

so...since we achived 1 cause....let's start a new one.... 'say NO to plastic bags day'.... or 'STOP child abuse' or 'STOP animal abuse' or even 'HELP the needy day'......hahhahaaa~ i'm just giving random ideas.....

cheers
Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com
<3

60 earth hour... come join...

2009-03-26T14:12:00.004+08:00

as many of you know or heard it in the radio or saw it in tv and all, u know that tomorrow, on the 28th of March 2008, there will be a cause called "60 earth hour". i do pledge to tell everyone to join this cause for 1 day only, for an hour, to just turn off your lights at 8.30pm to 9.30pm. i do urge everyone to join in, you can be anywhere and just turn of your lights for an hour, let's save the electricity.

more details below.......
2,848 cities, towns and municipalities in 84 countries have already committed to VOTE EARTH for Earth Hour 2009, as part of the worlds first global election between Earth and global warming.

This year, Earth Hour has been transformed into the world’s first global election, between Earth and global warming. For the first time in history, people of all ages, nationalities, race and background have the opportunity to use their light switch as their vote – Switching off your lights is a vote for Earth, or leaving them on is a vote for global warming. WWF are urging the world to VOTE EARTH and reach the target of 1 billion votes, which will be presented to world leaders at the Global Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen 2009. This meeting will determine official government policies to take action against global warming, which will replace the Kyoto Protocol. It is the chance for the people of the world to make their voice heard.

Earth Hour began in Sydney in 2007, when 2.2 million homes and businesses switched off their lights for one hour. In 2008 the message had grown into a global sustainability movement, with 50 million people switching off their lights. Global landmarks such as the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, Rome’s Colosseum, the Sydney Opera House and the Coca Cola billboard in Times Square all stood in darkness.

In 2009, Earth Hour is being taken to the next level, with the goal of 1 billion people switching off their lights as part of a global vote. Unlike any election in history, it is not about what country you’re from, but instead, what planet you’re from. VOTE EARTH is a global call to action for every individual, every business, and every community. A call to stand up and take control over the future of our planet. Over 74 countries and territories have pledged their support to VOTE EARTH during Earth Hour 2009, and this number is growing everyday.

We all have a vote, and every single vote counts. Together we can take control of the future of our planet, for future generations.

so register yourself and count your vote in this remarkable day at www.earthhour.org/malaysia and be part of it.

we can still have fun in the dark what....don't stay alone...be with your friends, families and everyone....just don't burn yourself with the candles ok? :P

cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan@yahoo.com

a new role...a new challenge...

2009-03-18T12:09:00.002+08:00

currently i'm rehearsing for a new musical that's gonna be staged end of next month called 'Prom the musical'... no, it's not broadway's 'Prom night the musical'..... this musical is more like highschool musical only it's in college and most of the songs are from random popular music and musicals.... this is the 1st time i've got alot of dancing involved.

the best part of this musical is that, they've casted me as one of the main cast where i have to play a bitchy, snobbish, over confident and arrogant senior name Sheila George. it's kindda ironic that the character's name is almost the same as my real name.hahahhaaaa~

well anyway, the 1st rehearsal was fun and i've got to know alot of talented new bunch and i've learned that most of them are still new and wanna try out in this industry.... i'm glad that they did because i don't wanna see all those talent goes to waste... to see them enjoying themselves is amazing because you know that they love what they do and by this i'm sure most of them are not gonna stop there, i want them to go far, i wanna see them in other productions outside. i know truly, deeply from the bottom of my heart that they WILL go far.

for my character, i've always thought that it would be so easy to play a bitch. i mean, it's easier to play that rather than an innocent little girl right? WRONG! i found out that being mean can be quite hard as well..... i tried analysing the character and tried to related to it but everytime i act it out, it just won't come out. i'll end up saying 'sorry' to that person of compliment them. which they said that my character can never do or else i'm not a bitch. so i try again but everytime we did script reading, i'll ended up crying my eyes out everynight before going to bed because i'm afraid that everyone would think that i'd annoy them. that's what i think anyway. i know it's part of acting, and no one would say anything because it's just acting, but to me, it's more than that, i tried so hard to be mean but i'll end up hurting myself more than i hurt others. i know i can't back away from this production anymore because i'm not a quitter, i've taken the challenge so i'm gonna do what i have to do even though this too hard for me to handle.

my target for this character is that, being a bitch, i hope that atleast some of the audiences can feel the hatred towards me.... to see a random audience staring at me after the show with those hatred eyes, i know that i've actually did it! i want people to hate my character simply because she is the person that everyone would love to hate anyway. some of my friend who saw the script would say that this character is very EVIL, 'such a bitch'....... but when i told them that i'll be playing that role, they'll just laugh at me and say that "it's probably ur eyes la"...... i dunno, but all i know is that i must do my best to make it work.....to make the director proud and my family to love me for who i am.

being in this musical with these talented casts have taught me to have fun while doing my job. laughter and bitching IS the best medication in life. :P to know that they'll be there for u until the very end is good enough, you'll have them to help you when you missed a class or sing wrongly or when you don't have a transport to go for rehearsal. i've found some really good friends that would help me no matter how hard it is and vise-versa la of course. i'm so glad that i've made alot of new friends.......although it's not much and i'm still learning their names, i know we'll eventually will get close before the show. some of us even click with the name 'the subang gang' that always get together to support our lovely cast members, no matter how far it is. :D

cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com

<3

Bitching...

2009-03-08T23:20:00.002+08:00

i know it's unhealthy to bitch about anyone in particular, but the subject often get our attention like kids with candies.... I do try my best to stay away from all this stuff, I even walked off before, when people start bitching about other people... but then again, since I’m always surrounded by them, so I thought, ‘hey, why not right?’ I’ll just listen to whatever they’re bitching about and then we’ll see what happens next la...

Sometimes I found out that bitching is a therapy for stressed person who needs someone to just listen to them. And to have someone to talk to is already a wonderful thing because at least, someone cares.

For me, I think I prefer saying it direct to the person itself although it will affect me later on but at least i know that no rumours or some other funny stories comes out. It has happened so many times. I used to always bitch about people I don’t really fancy to my friends and they would tell everyone else, their version of the story and rumour will start spreading like a dangerous disease. And then you’ll regret it, confront your friend, quarrel a bit, stop talking to them and then lastly... losing your friends. I’ve definitely learned my lessons....heheheeee..

Thinking back, I found out that being in this industry that I’m currently in is really different from before... no one really care about the theatre artists last time, but now, everything we do is being monitored closely whether you like it or not, and we have to behave and know what to say to everyone. A slipped tongue can lead to something else and your whole career can be ruined just like that!

It’s a tricky business but right now, I’m daring myself to the limit and see where I can go, I’m trying to be as high as possible...not because I want the fame or anything, I just want people to know me so that I can actually voice out to the world to help me save the environment and help me to help the needy and the less-fortuned people in the world. Because people tense to only listen to celebrities or their idols....and for now, I’m a nobody who’s trying my best to help others. Of course I’ll start small, from my country and then slowly, the world. I would really love to do that. To get everyone involve in this.

Well....that’s always been my target... to get involved in all this charity and all... to open a food-bank, to open a new organization to help the needy. You get what I mean right? :D

So now what I have to do is.... be the best I can be where ever I am and in whatever I’m doing! need all those blessings i can get now..heheheeee~

cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com

<3

finding money for a good cause....

2009-03-06T13:55:00.004+08:00

i've been thinking alot lately on how i can contribute myself to others who are in needs right now.
i mean, i can't help alot because i'm not THAT financially secure myself but i just wanna help those who are more less-fortunate than me.

of course, i have alot of target on how i can help out and all, and i even have my own 'spare-change-fund' of my own where i always go donate somewhere. so maybe i thought of sharing my 'spare-change-fund' method to everyone so atleast you can contribute it as well... :D
this is what you do... do you always loose you coins everywhere? under the seats of your car, behind the couch, under your bed, on the floor, in your beg or purse or handbegs, in the lawn outside your house or even in the toilet somewhere...heheheee~ you get what i mean right? so why not pick it up and just put it somewhere like a beg and call it the 'spare-change-beg' and the more you collect, you might end up with alot of money in a year already. with that money, what better way than to donate it to some charity for a good cause because for me, it makes me feel complete when i can make somebody (other than myself) happy.
the genuine smile that you get from the peson you've helped is so much more than you can get from anyone else that you know.
use that 'spare-change' and help donate to all the charity you can find while your walking with your friends at a mall or where ever, for earthquake victims, gaza victim funds, our flood funds or even the fund that goes to 'bersama mu' for TV3. it's all for a good cause and i can assure you that you're life will be blessed with all the fine things in life.
so yea..happy hunting for spare-change!hehheeeee~ do it if you really wanna help out!

one more thng, instead of throwing all the old junks that can still be use just because you've got a better ones, why not donate it?there's always a charity drive somewhere near you right? clothes, toys, mattress and everything that's still useful for others. although it's secondhand, but i'm sure that they will appreciate you for helping them.

my target in years to come is that, i'm gonna work hard to find money and open myself a 'food-bank'..... if you dunno what's a 'food-bank', a food-bank is where i rent a hall 3 or more times a week and simply cook for the homeless people. of course it would be wonderful if i have people to help me out too, the ones who would do it for the sake of charity and not for the money and all.
well, that's my own goal-will-turn-reality-soon i hope.hehheee~ will get my fingers crossed all the time for this. do support me if i actually personally ask you to help me with the favour ok?
i promise that everything here is for a good cause.

cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com

<3

Blessing....

2009-03-02T14:14:00.000+08:00

This few months has been a blessing for me as I did everything that I love and at the same time I got to meet this entire talented bunch of cast members that might be our future artists of tomorrow. I just finished with one production in February and now rehearsing for a new production which going to be staged at the end of April this year. I’m crossing fingers that everything will go well. And currently I’m also doing shooting for a TV drama.

This one goes to everyone that I’ve worked with and currently with. It’s an honour to be here and perform with all you wonderful people and at the same time teaching me to be more patience in everything that I do, for supporting me even though I’m lack of a lot of things in life. To open up my eyes to the real world and the harshness that sometimes being put on. For trusting me on doing the things that I do. For forcing me to don’t give up when I’ve lost my hope in it. For making my day and made me smile when I feel crappy sometimes. For correcting me when I’m wrong. Most of all, thank you so much for being a wonderful friend. I couldn’t ask for anything more.

I always think positive in whatever I do so that I can one day touch someone’s life for once and just make them realize that they are not alone and there’s always someone who will support them through whatever you’re going through.

Now this one goes to my family and friends for their unconditionally never-ending love and support that they give to me through out since I was young until now! I am truly blessed with an awesome family who goes with me in this wonderful journey of performing arts and never stop me from doing what I love doing. Mom and Dad for encouraging me to do all his although I lost interest in it some part of my life before. For believing in me to do all the things that I couldn’t imagine myself doing. For spreading my wings so I can fly high above the ground to explore more about myself. For pulling me out of my shell when I have no confidence in everything that I do. Now I can’t stop doing it! For making me realize that I am more than what I am. The love that I have toward all of you is infinity!

Well.. until next time!

Cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com

<3

LOVE.....

2009-02-18T09:17:00.003+08:00

remember how your friends always ask you what is love and why do you need love? some would say that love sucks....love is everything or even better...love is clueless.... scientifically...i've learned that there's a nerve in your brain that'll active when you're in love...i think that's why you feel so 'madly' in love....

love can also be put in so many different ways...no...i don't mean your 'one and only' true love.....but the love for your family, friends, property, pets and everything that you simply adore.... of course, i'm a human being too.... i always write about love your family and friends and all but right now, i would love to write about my love life for once.... :)

to tell you the truth, these few months has been quite hectic for me that i'm committed with a few production which includes the one that's coming out this week. but at the same time, i have time to spend my time with my friends and from there i got to meet a few more new people that's gonna be part of my life as a friend forever. i don't know if there's such thing as love at first sight but somehow i think i'm feeling it abit and the 1st time i met him, i was indeed very shy (for once).... but we eventually got to know each other quite fast....i'm pleased about that.... :D well who doesn't right?if you like someone, you should atleast put abit of effort in so that the person notice you. so of course that's what i did and true enough he noticed me....noticed me well enough to hold my hand when we walk...i was over my head when he did that but of course i didn't show it.

but then, once we finally got to know each other abit more, i found out that he got a girlfriend that he can't break-up with just because she's a suicidal maniac that can't seem to let him go and would do anything to get him, and he's the type that would blame himself i anything happen to someone who hurt themsleves for him..... do you get i'm saying? so basicaly, i don't wanna be the one to be blame as 'the-one' that makes him break-up with his girlfriend, because i believe in Karma, what goes around comes around.... so if i'm the cause for them to break-up, i'm scared that he would do the same thing to me if he found someone who's so much better than me.

so basically, eventhough i have this strong feelings for him, i know i can't have him just because he can't and won't break-up and that i believe in karma. i know i'm not suppose to play with this thing called LOVE but i can't just ignore and play with this game of 'secret love' forever. i want my LOVE to be perfect, the LOVE that would add to my happiness and not complication and headache like i'm feeling now. just by thinking that, i've absorb negative energy in me.

to tell you the truth, i can't help myself thinking about him although i know it's wrong. i haven't have this feeling for quite some times and for once i thought that he would have been the one, but i guess i was wrong... and then again, life goes on.... the world never stop moving and so should i.....

whatever i'm writting is how i feel.......

If the sun went down tomorrow and it never came back
And the city went quiet and we fade to black
Well I won't have a single regret
And I wouldn't trade a thing
Cause I never knew I could feel what I feel inside of me

I knew all the time I was taking a chance
When I stand there on the edge of the cliff and no one was holding my hand
Well the wind blew strong and the clouds rolled in and I, I felt us lift off the ground
Yes I bared my soul and I dared to go knowing one day you might let me down

I gave you everything but to have said goodbye

Better to have loved than never loved at all
Better to have dreamed than never taken the fall
Better to have loved you and let you in than never to have touched your skin
Better to have hurt and screamed and cried
Fall into the earth for a trip to the sky
Better to have loved, better to have loved
You

cheers

Shahila Johan
<3

DanSing thru broadway live in DBKL auditorium..

2009-02-13T14:42:00.005+08:00

Dansing Thru Broadway 2 (2009)

Venue: Auditorium Dewan Bandaraya Kuala Lumpur

Date: 19 & 21 February 2009

Time: 8.30pmPrice: RM200, RM150, RM80, RM50

20% discount for purchase of 4 or more tickets

10% discount for senior citizends (55+)

10% discount for MPO subscribers

Discounts cannot be combined

Tickets are available at:Box Office, Dewan Filharmonik PETRONAS,Ground Floor, Tower 2, PETRONAS Twin Towers,KLCC, 50088 Kuala Lumpur

Tel: 03-2051 7007

PETRONITA, the association for the wives of PETRONAS staff and female employees, is organising a charity performances entitled, "DanSing Through Broadway" on 19 and 21 February 2009 at Auditorium Dewan Bandaraya Kuala Lumpur. The charity event is organized primarily to raise fund for the Children dialysis Fund established by the National Kidney Foundation (NKF) of Malaysia, as well as for the Children's Cleft Lip and Cleft Palate Corrective Surgery (CCL/CPC) Community Project and for the Musculo-Skeletal Cancer Treatment (MSCT) Regional Centre run by the Prince Court Medical Centre (PCMC).The performance will be led by professionals in the performing arts industry, and the cast includes budding actors comprising primary and secondary schools students.

Featuring exceprts from famous and familiar Broadway and movie musicals such as "Mary Poppins", "Hello Dolly" and "Oliver", "DanSing Thru Broadway" promises to entertain whilst promoting education and learning through appreciation for the arts.

Choreographer: Farah Sulaiman

Director: Sabrina Hassan

Vocal Coach: Peter Ong

Cast Members of DTB 2 (2009)
Sabrina Hassan, Brian McIntyre, Radhi Khalid, Tria, Peter Ong, Ho Soon Yoon, Aris Kadir, Nicole Ann-Thomas, Zeqhty Nattrah, Tabitha Kong, Natasha Yusof, Keith Yew, Johan Yusof, Shahila Johan, NorFariza Bashah, Alfred Choo, Kelvin Choo, Carmen, Shue Ling, Razlan Yusof, Alesia Dhana , Siti Amirah , Kreshenka Jaisi, Alia, Aizat, Maimun, Mae, Qistina , Deana, Amelia, Alfin Lian, Sean, Suryyn, Adam, Aila , Aehtan, Arif Faizal, Cheryl, Krystle and more...

sypnosis:-

A geeky and somewhat timid Karim meets Grey for an interview. Grey, a theatre producer who is looking for a personal assistant, is appalled with Karim’s lacklustre demeanour: no wonder the boy has not found work, just look at him! He tells Karim the story of “Hello Dolly” where Cornelius and Barnaby present themselves as millionaires to attract their dream girls; thus, our journey through Broadway begins. Featuring hit songs from musicals “Hello Dolly”, Miss Saigon, Annie, A Chorus Line and many, many more; “DanSing Thru Broadway” promises to be entertainment and fun for the whole family.

hope to see u there and thank u so much for supporting Malaysian Theater!!!!!

cheers

Shahila Johan http://www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com/

Resolution........

2009-02-02T23:05:00.002+08:00

resolution......resolution.....do i have to?hmmmm......ok...here goes......

i know it's kindda late to do this already but of of my dear friend kept asking me to write something up anyway so thanks to him i Shall write what i think i should write.. :D

so yeah.......new year resolution......i've been thinking about it for some times on what i should do this year and that i'll know i can hang on to the resolution until the end of the year.

the truth is that....i had splendid year last year and i really do wish i could have that year's excitement and transfer it to this year so i don't have to think about what's going to happen next and all but then again....every year is a new experience..so i'll just have to move along with it...follow the groove as people say it....

as many would be aware of this, starting from january this year, i don't expect much things to do...like always, i would go to class, study, and then return home and be a lazy bumb lying around the house doing nothing. but then again, i got rehearsals every weekends for a charity show which is coming up really soon this febuary. a miracle thing happened and now i got an acting offer from a production house for a new drama that's coming on in astro prima around middle/late march this year. and just a moment ago, i just got another offer for a musical production in KLPac in april later this year. so eventually...with all of that, i'm quite busy with shootings and rehearsals...but the weirdest thing is that....i love it!! they don't pay me much at all but i love doing it...i think it's because it's a passion for me and i love being explored in such different industry.
ou....did i tell u that i'm also a student studying in unitar and at the same time, i'm a chef at embun cafe also in unitar, kelana jaya? well.........heheheee~ i am.... :P

so..back to my resolution....ok... 1st things 1st....i know it'll be imposible but i'm gonna think positive to have that vibe in my head and focus.....i've always wanted to be in all types of stage production from gigs to stage musicals to tv dramas, ads, concerts and all in 1 year in a row...so...my this year's target is to atleast perform 1 of each of the shows this year...i dunno how long it's gonna take but i'm gonna make it this year..heheheee~ well...on or off stage is fine with me but as long as i'm involves in it.... so right now i got 3 in my hand..... i'm accomplishing it one step at a time. so yeah, if anyone needs a wedding singer.....just email me k? :P

my next resolution is...to save the enviroment by using less plastic bags, using less electricity, and recycle what i can. i'm starting to do all of these already but right now..i wanna urge everyone else to do the same thing..so come on people, we need to save our planet, the global warming is getting orst and i'm worry about what's gonna happen in the future, is there a future for the next generation after us??? come on...do your part....as a human being...let's help...together....

ok...now...for my silly resolution.......stop biting my nails, reduce eating chocolates (shit), change my style, find a rich boyfriend......hahhhhaaaaaa~
(all of the above.....so NOT gonna happen)

i remembered a few months ago when me and a few of my friends did this tarot card reading just to see what does the future holds for me and eventually it says that somehow i'm gonna find my true happiness in the next 3 months....i did my tarot cards reading on the 24th of december last year (i remembered it because it was also my friend's birthday!yay!)...so in between that date until 24th march 2009, something truly splendid is going to be my true happiness...and that true happiness, i'm gonna carry it with me for the rest of my life!!!! hmmm....i've been having all this luck with jobs offer and all right now. does that means that my true happiness is to entertaint people?hmmm...i've always thought that my true happiness is that i'm gonna find a true love or something....hahhahaaa~ silly me....anyways.....whatever it is...i'm still smiling now so i guess IT is....IT is my true happiness and i hope that IT will go forever with me....no matter how bad things can get...so anyways......that's my roughly written down resolution..hehheeee~

cheers
Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com
<3

a new chapter of drama.....

2009-01-28T23:47:00.005+08:00

just when i thought that everything in me is shattered.....i found out that if i don't think about it and focus on the positive side of life, it will eventually turn around to be better.... :D

what ever happened last week was a mere stupidity that can't be erased from my mind and yet again...it has definately taught me a valuable lesson...never to get easy carried away with all the fun things in life....we must think of our life, future, family and our dignity. so yeah....i'll bare that in mind..

anyway, this week is simply awesome for me because what i've always dreamed of is slowly coming true. i have been waiting for this moment patiently for quite awhile and i think i just might got it anytime soon.

my dream came true is like a baby being given a bubble gum flavoured rainbow lollipop with a pink bow tied on the stick. the happiness that i felt in my heart is like the beat of rhythm speed of 110 on the mixer that's being put on day and night non-stop that would get everyone close annoyed but then again....i wouldn't even care!!! :D

"see the things that you want as already yours. know that they will come to you at need. then let them come. don't fret and worry about them. don't think about your lack of them. think of them as yours, as belonging to you, as already in your possession." Robert Collier

i read about this quote a few years ago in a book that's now my all time favourite... it says that don't stop believing that you can get what you want and in the end you will get it. not saying that just thinking about it you'll get it but think about it and work hard for it..and by that you will not be disappointed with the result like me right now.. i've always wanted to get a bitchy role in any plays or shooting and FINALLY i got i wanted...although it's not like what i've dreamed of, but starting by doing this is god enough for me...and maybe after this, someone might want me to play the lead for bitchy roles. so for now, i'm just gonna.... always look on the bright side of life.

i can't really type as long as i can now because i got my curfew to sleep earlier so i can start my new day in the morning and not miss out on the wonderful morning and thank everything for making my days splendid!!!!
love will lead me home!!!and of course...always smile...it's so much easier than frowning!!! :D

cheers

Shahila Johan
<3

drama....

2009-01-25T22:07:00.003+08:00

i did something really sinful yesterday. it might not be a big deal to some...or even a proud thing to do for some...but for me...it's just not really a proud thing to do. but then again, i can't turn back time now can i?

think positive Shahila...think positive...that's what i've been telling myself....maybe it'll be better soon. because i can't do this alone, i called up my friend just to tell her my situation and hope that she'll understand but somehow, she just told me that she has to listen to both side of the story since that it has to do with both of her good friends. i don't blame her that she's not with me in this because i understand that she wouldn't want to be in this situation especially from her 2 friends. i'm trying not to think that i'm alone in this and to tell you the truth, i'm scared, terrified more like it...... i'm freaking up that i dunno what to think or even better..i dunno what to do.... i tried confront that person, but that person doesn't have anything to say... maybe it's because i called at the wrong time.

i'm a bit disappointed at myself right now because i know that i can stand it but somehow i drown myself at the deepest bottom of the sea. i tried to swim but somehow there's a rope tied up at my ankle and it was attached to a really big and heavy rock... i was holding a scissors and tried to cut the rope but the rope was to thick that it broke my scissors. i even tried calling for help but i was going deeper and deeper that water filled my lungs and i choked to death. i was trapped. i thought i could let it go but i can't....

i wanna banged my head so hard and just bleed myself to death, but i know that if i do that, that means that i'm one of the stupid person that just wanna run away from my problem and frankly, that's the old me, the new me will try and make everything with a smile on my face. right ow, i just wanna stop thinking about it and do something else....like.... pack my beg because i'll be leaving for Johor for Chinese new year dinner with my family. i should be thinking about my family tonight, for this moment and not some silly mistake that i did yesterday.

i know that my family loves me, and i thought that there'll be someone else who'll love me too, someone special maybe? maybe it's just me...hmmm.....i'm being paranoid right now...hehheeee~ well...i'm trying to make myself feel better. :D whatever it is, i got my family and they got my back, they know me better than i know myself sometimes.

it's kindda like a habit suddenly i wanna write about relationships and stuff..i mean...it's like..i dont have a life anymore.....but i do ok?? i have 3 sets of families who loves and support me, friends who care for me and my kitties to keep me company at night....and yet...i'm still clueless on why i like writting these stuff.....

this lyric i wrote is about something that happened to me in some part of my life...it's called 'wondered'...

I don't know
If it a lie
So many great words
That I've heard from you
But something is missing
Something that completes the puzzle
The mysteries of my life

Why does it always a reason
That makes me wondered
A reason to live
A lie to make me feel better
Makes me feel alive
Although I am dying inside
When everything seems wrong
It's just isn't right for me
Why should I be clueless?
Never know the truth
You think it might hurt me
The pain of lie hurts more, baby
My heart is bleeding
With the blade of lies in time
Killing me inside out
Forever like a moment
A moment is never forever
The wound might heal soon
Dry out without love and emptiness
No sympathy without crimes
Crying out the pain that once gone
Praying for a second chance
Growing make us wise
And as we go our way
Wonder where the road leads us
Shall hold it in our heart

An eye to keep me straight
Guide me to the grace
A heart to keep me going
To the broken road ahead that's gone
And life will be kind
And our soul will find another soul to love
The faith will keep me safe
The truth will never stop us
From knowing what's right
And by learning to love and forgive
But never forget the things we've been through

cheers

Shahila Johan
<3

a will to survive....

2009-01-12T22:35:00.002+08:00

trying to impress someone can sometime hurt ourselves in the end. why would we want to do that?why do we have to prove something to someone who'll eventually let you down again in the end anyway? and sometimes because of that, you'll stop thinking about what you really are just to impress that certain someone who'll forever have nothing nice to say about you. because of that, it'll bring tears in your eyes, you're mood swing and you feel like everything in your body is being dislocated somehow....

i know it's hard to face it, to have someone to be picked on all the time and being embarrassed infront of alot of people for no apparent reason. but to tell you the truth, they only do it because they really do care about you or they're envy of you. either way, i think we should always put that aside and think of the positive that comes out of it, it'll make you a stronger person than you already are, for you not to make the same mistake, making everyone else noticed you and in many ways, to be better and more cautious in the future. i never seem to fight back when someone picks on me because i know that it can somehow makes me a more cautious person in the future.. just keep a low profile, don't go and attack the person who picks on you, no sweet revenge.... just think of it as a lessons to be learn.. if you fight back, it means that you're making a scene and everyone there won't even know who's right or wrong. they might not even care to listen to the conversation of the 'unsatified-ness' of yours.

put that aside, as an adult, we should know how delicate a child's heart can be... they are young mind them, and we know that because they are kids they tense to believe every word you say regardless how untrue some words might be. because we're adults, we might think that by calling them off straight at their face is the right thing to do but to the kids, they might think other wise and they won't be the same as they used to be. they will be traumatized...although some might disagree with me and think that we should teach the kids how harsh this world might be, i said it's all wrong. because kids can face reality that really age, they wanna have fun and dream and fantisizes to be a superhero or a pirate or anything they can think of. that is their time, let them be what they wanna be and once they get older, they WILL slowly learn the real world that they are facing. if you have somethingto tell them, tell them slowly, indirectly to them....use your psyclogy method to tell them. don't go direct to them and say "hey you, can you stop being a little miss bossy" or anything like that infront of their face... that'll just make they're spirit down. well...all i can say is, treat them well although they are younger than you. you might be the person that's incharge of everything and everyone have to listen to you, but they got their feelings too, so be nice to them once in a while. love the kids as they respect you as an adult and they look up to you no matter how you may be... after all, they are our future.

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

circle of rumours.. :D

2009-01-04T23:17:00.002+08:00

ok.....i know that no one can run away from rumours...and let's face it, everywhere you go, there's always rumours... either it's about you or maybe your family or even your close friends... and most of the times, you think that if you don't react to it, it'll go away and stop bothering you anymore... but the fact is, if you somehow defend yourself, others would think that you're afraid because you would jeopardise your life and all but then again, if you don't defend yourself, people would think that those rumours are true and you can never do anything about it anymore.

recently i over heard rumours about everyone that's involves in this production i'm currently in right now...on who's dating whom, who has a crush on whom and all those cute little stuff....most of them are kids so i thought that, it's ok because they're still young and they got so much to learn...and because i'm still fresh with this production, i know i have a lot of catching up to do..... but then a moment ago, i found out that somebody has been spreading rumours about me as well......well duh...of course i was shocked.. i mean, i'm still new with them and my name is already being called out in this 'circle of rumours'.... i was actually pleased at first because they would actually noticed me to talk about me and spread a rumour but then when i heard it myself, it became uncomfortable just because i know i definately didn't do what they've been telling everyone about me, but then again, i have to face it.... that's the life of an entertainer...

the rumours that was spread was actually an old news that i didn't noticed that anyone would actually started it... it's so weird because i know and believe in myself that i wouldn't do such things and i always think before my actions... so odviously i won't go out with anyone until i know that i'm actually know him long enough or comfortable with that person...and also because of that, the person that thought i went out with another person, quit the production i am with because he said that he can't work with me in this production.(sounds familiar?)... (somehow i think it has something to do with me being single right now)..so when someone said that i went out with this person and then at the same time went out with another person, i think it's rather bogus and ridiculously funny... unfortunately, i felt like i'm a whore to do such a thing. i know i shouldn't think of it that way, but i do. i felt that i'm so filthy and cheap, like i don't have my own dignity to stand out for. when i heard it, i just wanted to sit at a corner of some place and just cry my eyes out but i didn't, i don't wanna show my weakness to anyone because if i did, they would know that i'm weak and they would add more to the damaged that was caused. so instead of crying my lungs out or anything, i acted like it's a funny joke/story that was told and laugh it all off... it was painful to begin with but i just had to do it to save my dignity from being torn apart to a million pieces and i think because of that, i would have to be more caution on what's my next move is gonna be... do i go and set things straight like most artist do when they are in this tight situation or just lie back and just pray that this rumour would go away? either way, i don't think that any of my reaction gonna make this rumours go away unless i talk to the person who might or might not set out the rumours. because other people would hear it in a different version of the story, so i just need to find the source that publish the story so i can move on with my life. what ever my next move it, i gotta think carefully not to jeopardise anymore of my life. i know that this things won't go away but i know that somehow, i can be set out straight. well.... somehow...
-_-'''

i guess this is the way to show us how hard it is when you're in show bizz....lots of gossiping going around and that what makes the industry more entertaining...

but to think in a positive way, i'm glad that there's a rumour about me going around, it's just that because of it, i feel like i'm a somebody, not that i'm proud of it, it's just that i'm touched that 'somebody' would use me as a subject to talk about just to amuse others. in a way.... i think that i'm quite famous! :P well...you have to think that way or you would be stress all the time.... like i said it before...i'm gonna say it once again..or in other posts to come.... 'there's always a reason behind all this funny things that happened, it just takes time for it to show itself'.... so i just say.... away with all those bad feelings and let's pull in the good energy and just...move on with my life!yay! love will lead me the right path of my destiny... :P

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

time for a splendid 2009!

2008-12-29T14:10:00.005+08:00

as everyone may know by now, 2008 is now a history year to be told and most of us might be still wondering what have we done of this passed year... and i personally have my own ups and downs, but i think my ups is always more than my downs, so i have to say that 2008 has been an awesome year for me.

this year i have did a few things that i can't imagine that i would do it. i changed my hair style after 5 years, finally conquered my fear of microphones, performed after stopped for a few years, have more confidence with my body, love my family more, taken things with positive attitude, toured around Malaysia with some really talented bunch, meeting new talented-honest-lovely individuals, actually listen before making decisions, finally making my family (mainly my dad) proud of me, learning new stuff, be more patient, making my dreams come true one step at a time, use less plastic bags, care more on the inviroments, feelng good about myself, support local music, love my country more, took out my braces, financially stable to shop around (-_-) and alot more that i could never think of!

well.... as usual, early in every year, we have our own 'to-do' list just to see what did we accomplished by the end of the years right? i have my own little list i think.. :P when i looked back what i did in 2008, i have accomplished most of my goals and for that, i so pleased of myself. i feel good of myself.

and yet...in all my ups, there's also some downs that had happened which one of it includes losing a dear friend, missing a few gigs and of course the ever so famous 'break up'. i should've been kicking and screaming by all this down moments but i didn't, surprisingly i didn't do anything that would hurt myself during this miserable voyage of tragedies. i mean, i would if i wanna but i choose not to just simply because i know, there's always a reason behind it. because of that, i don't complain much about all this to anyone. i rather think positive and continue with my life like what i'm doing right now. :P

i've met many types of people this year and got to learn so much from them. they teach me to Feel, Enjoy, Stay Calm, Happiness, Truth, Believe, Faith and of cause how can i deny LOVE...and for that, i wanna thank everyone for making me a better person. you have indeed touched me in your own individual special ways.

as for year 2009, i just hope that the greatness that's been happening for all this while doesn't end. i love the fact that i can still cope with this enviroment. i wouldn't ask anything else but to be a better person that i can be. we're getting a year older every year and i think that i can still have fun while being a little bit mature at times. because in all 'drama', they are all the ways that God's showing us the real life of good and bad and in the end, we still have the chance to decide who we are, who we were and who we wanna be. i know that life is cruel, and i've fought hard, so hard that inside of me was killing but at the same time i was becoming better. but then again, once you're settle your whole life to the point that you love everything about yourself and others around you, you feel like you're not prepare to let any of the luck or accomplishment to go away just yet, you wanna keep the glory forever. well... like i said before, nothing last forever, everything in life is only 'for now'.

'children keeps growing and river keeps flowing too, i don't know why but somehow or other they do, a hundred million miracles are happening everyday, and those who say they don't agree, are those who did not hear or see'.
so come on people, let's try changing for a start, it doesn't have to be big, just a smile could make such a big impact. let's change one self before we can together make a change to the world. Let's change for the better.

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

did or didn't do in 2008!reminising of a normal person...me!

2008-12-28T21:41:00.005+08:00

2008 IS ALMOST OVER, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
a wonderful year fly pass us so quickly......i found this questionaire in facebook and tought.. "why not".......

lost a friend?
~ yea... a dear friend indeed.. R.I.P.... al-fatihah...

stayed single almost the whole year?
~ i wished....

had your heart broken?
~ yes

had a stalker?
~ yea....hahahaaa~

done something you've regretted?
~ yes... very much.. but the outcome..not bad la...

lost someone?
~ again...yes.... Al-Fatihah....

dated a co-worker?
~ no

dated your boss' daughter/son?
~ not working, but if it refers to the productions i've done.....then... no..

got fired from your job?
~ no

cut class?
~ guilty....but for some good reasons... :P

were involved in something you'll never forget?
~ ou yes indeed.

visited a different country?
~yes, my family do it every year and this year..... Bali, Indonesia. :)

cooked a gross meal?
~ i've never cooked a gross meal before... that means i'll fail my culinary subjects. :P

lost something important to you?
~ yes. :'( my dearest bestest friend.

got a gift you adore?
~ i cherished every single gift that was given to me.. so yes... :)

tripped over a coffee table?
~ yes...all the time

dyed your hair?
~ yea...highlighted for the first time ever... :D

went to a party?
~yes.. alot...

read a great book?
~ the secret by rhonda Byrne.... it's my favourite book of all time...

saw one of your favourite bands/artists live?
~ i adore all bands so..yes... local bands can be awesome as well.... :)

saw someone famous in person?
~ part of my job is somehow to meet someone famous..

2008: Your Love Life
Did you break up with anyone?
~ yes

Did you meet anyone special?
~ i met so many amazing individuals...

Do you like someone right now?
~ can't really tell if i'm into that person for his personality or for him..so...i'm not quite sure...

2008: Friends and Enemies
Did you meet any new friends this year?
~ yes!!! and i'm glad i did!

Did you dislike anyone?
~ i don't hate of dislike others. everyone got their own opinions. :D

Did you make any new enemies?
~ well....i hope not...but if i do....im so sorry...

Did you resolve any fights?
~ i don't think i was involve in any fights....

Resolved friends' fights?
~ well.... i tried....

Who was your closest friend?
~ was? well... he passed away on the 10th of October 2008. Al- Fatihah...

Did you grow apart from anyone?
~ as people grows older, they eventually got to know who's their real friends and foes... and we can't always be there for all of them....

Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?
~ i have no regrets at all because for me.... there's always a reason behind this wonderful friendship that we make... :)

2008: Your BIRTHDAY!
Did you have a cake?
~ nope...but lots of donuts and cupcakes... :D

What did you do for your birthday?
~ well... my friend brought me to see a jazz performance and my family brought me to have steamboat....how could i ask for more.... i feel so blessed.... :)

Did you have a party?
~ not really a party but yea....sure...

Did you get any presents?
~ yes.... i cherish it all.....

If so what was the best thing you got?
~ i got everyone i love to celebrate it with me.... :)

2008: All about YOU
Did you change at all this year?
~ everyday is a new day.... i've learned more about the nature, about others and myself... if i said that i've changed...it's for the better.....

Did you dye your hair?
~ told u before.....my first highlight!!!

Did you get your hair cut?
~yes.... quite a few....i even cut my own hair!

Did you change your style?
~ yes... after 5 years!

Were you in school?
~ no...i'm way over that one... i'm just gonna graduate and continue in some other university...

Did you get good grades?
~ yes! an unexpected 4.0 pointer is the best feeling i'ved ever had!

Did you have a job?
~ yes yes yes indeed i have.... which includes waitressing in Luna Bar, pastry chef in Cafe deli and part time singing and dancing because i got paid doing that as well...yay!!! i love my jobs!

Did you drive?
~well....i do have my driver's licence since i was 17... :P

Did anyone close to you give birth?
~ yes... my sister.... to a beautiful baby girl named Anastasia.....

Did you go on any vacations?
~ yes.. with family and tour with my production so it's kindda like a work vacation...i like it... :P

Would you change anything about yourself now?
~ just to be more positive on things and learn to be more patient...

2008: Wrap Up.Is 2008
a good year?
~ yes.... a wonderful splendid year indeed although some unexpected tragedies happened..

Do you think 2009 will top 2008?
~ shall pray for a great one ahead.... :D

I confess that in 2008 I've
~ did some crazy things but i've changed for the better and to be a better person in life...

stayed single for the whole year
~ i wished....

made out in/on a car
~ nope...

kissed in the snow
~ if there's snow in Malaysia..i would love to do it....

celebrated Halloween
~ nope.. stayed in with my family.. :)

kissed in the rain
~ ou wow...that would be romantic too..... maybe one of these days ei? :P

had your heart broken
~ yes..

broke someone else's heart
~ im so sorry if i did...

mooned someone
~ yes.. guilty... :P

went over the minutes on your cell phone
- yes.

had a good relationship with someone
~ a great relationship with my family and friends.... :)

someone questioned your sexual orientation
~ yes...

came out of the closet
~ yes... i was shy.... :P

gotten pregnant
~ no... i'm not that extreme...

have a relationship with someone you'll never forget
~ i'll never forget any of my friends..

done something you've regretted
~ yes.. a few...

kissed under mistletoe
~ i wished! XD

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

physical strenght...

2008-12-25T23:05:00.003+08:00

a really truly unexpected question was thrown at me today that actually did made me think for awhile. "do people look at other people appearance before anything else?" my answer was simply.... YES! i know not everyone will agree with me on this and will think that i'm a slecker bitch that judge people by their appearance...but its not true...like i've told you before...i don't judge anyone just by looking at them, i like talking to everyone. but looking at ones appearance is a fact! don't tell me that you don't do that because i know you do.

have you had this experience before? you walk to a shop and browse the stuffs inside that shop and suddenly a sale-assistant of an opposite sex approach you and started asking you questions, first they'll be like, asking what kind of item are you looking for and the next thing you know, he would be asking for your name and where you live and all.... well....sometimes..these things do happen...

if you look nice and pretty and decent and clean, people would have no problem approaching you, but if you're not that pretty looking but decent enough for the crowd, a glance from a far is good enough. for people that does not blessed with proper physical appearance, do you think that you would approach them? if they smell or extremely short or full of pimples or even simply disabled, do you wanna get near them... if you say yes..... YOU'RE A FREAKING LIAR!!! fine, let's think of a scenario where you're on a blind date and you're suppose to meet your blind date outside a certain restaurant at 8pm sharp, because you don't know how your date would look like, both of you promise to carry a rose so you can regconize your partner. so once you reach there around 7.58pm, you decided not to take out your rose to see how your date would look like before you can actually approach him/her. it's now 8pm and there's a taxi stopped infront of you, the door open and the first thing you see is a rose sticking out of the car, then, one by one the legs touch the ground, and when you could finally see the person's appearance, it turns out to be an old, fat, grumpy looking, long messy hair person wearing faded color t-shirt and torn jeans...and surprisingly, that person is holding a rose and was standing outside a restaurant seems to be waiting for someone, and you tell me if you wanna let that person knows that your the date. would you? darn!stop saying you will..because i know for a fact that you won't. it's human nature. i can't read people's minds but i know how everyone would react. i like looking at people's differents reaction, it's so fascinating somehow.

that's why you can see that women always so cusious about their appearance, how they look, how they dress, how they smell or even how they stand. if you're fat, you still have your face to save you, the hair is an asset for all girls to look their best! what i'm trying to say is that no matter how other people say that they don't judge people on their first meet, the first look says it all.

i'm not trying to look down on those people but wat i really mean is that, be confident with yourself, if you think that you're ugly, then you are ugly. stop saying your fat, short....bla bla.... stand tall and be yourself, do the best you can for yourself and trust yourself. stand infront of the mirror and shout "I'M BEAUTIFUL!!" because it is true when they say 'we are beatiful in every single way and words can't bring me down.'

love your body, don't hurt yourself to be someone you're not. you still have someone who loves you no matter what and that's your family and friends. if you think that you're doomed not to have a soulmate because of you're appearance, think again. wherever you are, there's always someone who's missing your laughter, your voice or even your touch.
one more thing, don't be shy to know what you want. if you want that little something, go ahead and reach it. don't stop half way just because you heard from someone that it's taken, go find out yourself. like i said before, 'if God wants you to let go of something, that's because he wants you to have something better'....so go ahead and go get it.... better hurry up before it's too late.

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

a note on Christmas

2008-12-24T14:26:00.002+08:00

Dear Santa,

i know you might be busy reading Christmas letters and all so i'm gonna make it quick and short (i hope) to make your life so much easier.

i don't wanna ask for anything this year because this year has been the best year of my life and i've got everything that i've always wanted with my own hard work. i mean, i work hard to get where i am right now and i'm comfortable with myself. i was once a shy young person who thinks that this world is so cruel and evil and just wish that i don't have to spend another day here but as i get older, i found meanings, reasons why i should stay calm and go with the flow on everything i do. along the way, i found joy and happiness, hopes and faith, blessing and wishes, but most of all, i've found love. love doesn't mean that i have found my true love but my true love lies in my family, without them, i don't think i can survive alone in this wonderful place. as you may know, i've always wish for their well being and all, well, they don't always happen when i ask, but i know that love is very near and i know that miracles always do happen when i believe in it.

this year has been a wonderful year for me, i can promise you that i was not naughty...well...maybe a little naughty but not as naughty as i used to be, i'm more calm and always think before my actions. most of my actions this year has been positive and it has bring me to what i've always wanted to be. i love my family, my friends, my feelings and my personal thoughts.

yesterday, a couple of my friends meet up for a chat and i was tagged along for a tarot card reading session and i thought 'why not' so i followed them. there, i found peace and everyone was just so wonderful. while waiting for the real session begin, one of my dear friend who did it before try reading my future, more like, what's gonna happen to me in 3 months time. so she did something to the card and took out 2 cards for my future, the oracles are from Isabella and Isaiah and surprisingly, both of the cards says that i've done my purpose this year and it's about time that something goes my way. a love and passion of desire will come my way and that i'm suppose to find true happiness in 3 months time. so i'll just get my finger crossed la. i hope that the true happiness that i'm gonna find is something i'ved always longed for. :P
well....the real seesion begins and a lady asking my past, presents and future to the healing oracles of angels. she was passing her energy to all the cards and chanting something and asked my name. we sat on the floor and she told me to focus so i did. she then took the cards one by one placing it infront of me, the first is my past and it shows 'retreat', the second card that shows my present is 'music' and the last card for my future shows 'serenity'. by that, i don't think i wanna know what that means because i think i do know a little bit from the past of retreat and the present of music. but the future of serenity? maybe when my friend first read my future in 3 months time that i'll find my true happiness and with that i will eventually get my serenity. yea... maybe that! yay!i'm not hoping for anything to happen within this 3 months but if it does, well, it would be splendid! so i guess anything can happen in this 3 months right? maybe it's today or tomorrow or the day after or end of this year or new year or next month or maybe even the month after. well....i'll just let faith to do that it has to do.

well Santa, what i really wanted to say is that all i want for christmas this year is my true happiness. :) it doesn't have to come in a package or anything but to love and be loved in return is wonderful enough.

thank you Santa, may you have wonderful christmas and have a save journey around the world spreading your joy and happiness to the world and at the same time enjoy the milk and cookies that we leave you infront of the fire place. and if you have any tooth-ache after having all those milk and cookies, well...my mom's a dentist! :P or we can even share some cookies as well!!!i love chocolate chips chocolate cookies just like you!

love,
Shahila Johan
<3

a bakery with a mission...

2008-12-23T16:41:00.011+08:00

i just had lunch with my sisters somewhere in ss16. while waiting for my dad to pick us up, me and my sisters came across this one shop bakery and the first thing that caught my eyes was this picture i took! it says that the bakery that never sleeps... so i thought 'hey let's just go in and check it out'...ou...another thing that i saw was this sign... everything here is self-service and we only pay by donation and today's donations goes to the woman organization for under privillaged woman in Malaysia. ou..one more thing is that, they don't beleive in wasting and no take aways. so everything is dined-in.

as we walk in, we saw this rack of books and newspapers... top shelf is the newspaper and the picture that i took is the book section where u can dine in and read for free...most of the books here are those inspirational books like 'heaven is real', 'God is my savior' and there's even some bibles we saw.

the place to make us a cup of drinks. there's quite a few variety of hot drinks that u can make actually. there's 3 types of tea which includes green tea, 3 types of coffee, milo and even hot chocolates.

there's not much variety of food here but it's what you donate that helps and counts. a few types of muffins, rolls and even garlic breads. wha more can they ask for right?

roughly what it looks like from my view where i was seated. :P

the cash register there was just a props there that was never used. next to it was a sandwitches bar which tuna, chicken and egg mayo. there's normal bread to whole grain, you can choose!

the place where everyone can dine.

the good thing that i see in this bakery is that, they are all friendly people and i can assure you that this place is really clean. i have yet to know the name of this bakery because i didn't get the chance to ask any of them.

you can eat whatever you want there and you don't really have to pay but as you may know, it's a charity bakery so every money that you donate is important. it doesn't have to be alot, but just give what ever you think is necessary. today i've donated rm15 and had 2 blueberry muffins and a cup of hot chocolate and i feel happy. i feel like a part of me have done a wonderful thing by helping others.

one more thing about this bakery is that, there's a box where you give your donation, on top of it, there's a note written "yesterday's donation, RM514.55 was collected. thank you". meaning that everyday they will tell how much money that they collected so we don't have to think that the person who work's there takes all the money for themselves right?

i'm really proud of this bakery honestly. this is the first bakery that i see actually can make a different in other people's live mot only by their food, but by their charity and kindness.

i wish i could open my own charity cafe or something, because i heard someone once said that "if you help others, they will help you too in what ever they can".

so why don't we just stop thinking about ourselves for once and help the needy and make the world a better place!

cheers

Shahila Johan

<3>

a coincidence reunion to remember....

2008-12-19T01:16:00.006+08:00

it's just like another day to kill...without any plans in the afternoon....waiting for the time to fly by because my dad wants me and my whole family to one of my cousin's son's birthday party. he was only 1 year old. i kept on thinking whether or not i should go because i know that i won't have so much fun.. i'll probably just sit at the corner of the living room with my 2 younger siblings because we don't really know this relative of ours that well... my sister eventually asked me whether i'll be going or not because i think that she might have the same thinking like mine earlier.... i simply answered "i'll go, but i'm only doing it for papa and nt for anyone else". i saw a smile on her face because indeed she had the similar thought that i had.

it was 8.30pm and we were there... a beautiful luxury condo in Bangsar, decorated with colourful ballons inside out. i was walking nervously infront of their door because i know that once i get in, i have to say hi to everyone...including those who i've never met in my entire life... i took a breath, and just walk in. 3 steps walking in just looking down on the floor trying hard not to make eye contact to anyone at all but then suddenly someone called my name with this unique high tone that is so familiar to me and my head just instantly rose up. she was there, seating at the coffee table with a fork on her left hand and a spoon on her right, looking towards me, smiling beautifully at me with those huge sparkled eyes, with hair tied back.

it was her, the person that taught me everything i know about singing and breathing technique and how to read musical notes and all. the person that never fails to force me to do better because she believed in me. she was indeed, my lecturer, Ms. Syafinaz.

when our eyes met, the first thing that came in my head was 'shit!' but i was so happy to see her, so i walked slowly towards her and greet her like a lost student who finally found her favourite lecturer. "how long has it been? how are you? what are you doing now?" are the questions that came out from the mouth... i answered her about everything. "yes, i read the newspaper the other day and saw some article about you, I'm so proud of you right now" is all she said to me....
getting to know that someone you can't pleased to be pleased with yourself is like your buying an ice cream cone with 1 scoop of ice cream but the ice cream gave another scoop for free... that's how i feel. after greeting her, i went and greet the other family members of mine and get on with our own thing.
1hour has past and someone was saying, "let Syafinaz play the piano! and her student can sing!"...i almost choked at my own water. of cause, being a good sport, Syafinaz sat infront of the piano and played two songs, 'smoke get in your eyes' and 'stranger in the night' beautifully...we were all amazed by her soprano voice. and then the moment came, she called me to sing, the first song i sang was 'angel'...i started soft because i was scared that she would judge me like she did with all the contastants in the reality show ONE IN A MILLION, but eventually, she didn't and she even flipped the music book to find another song for me to sing but this time i sang with my sisters, she palyed 'beautiful' and we sang but this time i didn't hesitate at all! yay! and last, she played 'a moment like this' and we sang together. i must say, she is so talented and i'm so proud that she was one of my vocal coach.

let's just say that we both had fun singing and laughing that day. she even agreed to see me perform next year in 'DanSing thru Broadway'. although i don't do much for that show, atleast she can witness the other young talents that's there to strike themselves at the spotlight on stage and i'm sure that this show will amaze her like this show did before. i am so happy that Ms. Farah Sulaiman called to join them in this awesome production.

so until next time. never let your hope dies before you'll never know who you'll meet and sometimes, miracles do happen!

cheers

Shahila Johan

the cronicle!

2008-12-17T14:05:00.002+08:00

so... how do u judge a person? is it just judge them by how they look? or even how they dress?or...maybe...who they hang out with? or even worst, by listening to others? it's hard to judge now isnt it? you might don't like that person when u hear lousy stuff about them but when u got to know them yourself, u might feel awful that u judged them wrongly before.... i have to admit i was once like that...i judge before i actually know them but now.... i've change...i really am... i've open my heart and don't judge people on my first meet! we all deserves a second chance don't u think? because a few days ago, i found out that someone who i've just met twice in my entire LIFE called me a liar to his 'ex' girlfriend just because i was on her side on this one... and to tell you the truth, i don't think i said anything about him or even mention about him at all to anyone or even his ex-girlfriend... so how come he would say that about me? well, i guess it's just a thing to get out from his treaky situation by blaming others...but i'm kindda glad that my name was brought out! i mean, well, atleast it shows that he noticed me!hahahaa~ it was thoughtful of him to remember me by two meetings.... im happy! :D or maybe she just mention me to make me hate him more.... i dunno... all i can say is that...i don't hate... i love everyone.... i don't wanna judge anyone.....

my friend once said, "if you're telling the truth, what are u afraid of?".... she's so right on this...i mean, you should be afraid if you lied to someone, because in the end, they'll find out eventually...so why trouble yourself lying? you did a mistake...so what?everyone does that...i do that too! if you think that you can get away from everything, you are so wrong.....eventually.. :)

how can you hate the person who is your friend for a long time just because he is side with the opposition from you? it's not anybody's fault for siding whoever's side right? although we might know who is right and who is wrong, you shouldn't just let go of something you had for a long time... friendship! what i've learned from friendship is that..... no matter how ugly the situation is, or how your friend doesn't help you in your own problems for some reason, it doesn't mean that you should just end your friendship just like that.... it just sound so 5 year olds... we all might have different opinions....we might hate each other's football team, but in the end.....we still live in this place called earth.... and one thing that brings us closer...friendship! tell me, how many times have u fought with your best mates? plenty right? and you guys still make it all up, although it might take some times, you still make up! so never say that he/she's your ex-friend or no longer friends anymore because as you guys get older, you might laugh at yourself or blame yourself for letting go something so precious.... just think about it! :)

if someone is nice, i don't think you should take advantage on him/her because one day, she might crack herself and will never be the nice person she was before...she might looked innocent, nerdy and virgin mary type but deep down...i think she's more than that......she can be fun to be with or make fun to but...everyone got their own feelings right? we all do.....so whats the fun of hurting other people's feeling? you tell me? it might be just for laugh at first, but when you get carried away, i don't think it's a laughing matter anymore.... one phrase i found 'One question haunts and hurts,too much to mention:Was I really seeking good or just seeking attention?Is that all good deeds are, when looked at with an ice-cold eye?If that's all good deeds are, maybe that's the reason why...I promise no good deed will I attempt to do again, ever again!No good deed will I do again!' i know it's kindda harsh but it's true isn't it? well...it's just my opinion anyways...... feel free to speak your mind!

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

another birthday went by...

2008-12-02T00:35:00.002+08:00

it's kindda weird because i thought it was yesterday that i celebrated my 21st birthday with my family and friends and with just a blink, another year went by and i'm 22 on the 3rd of December 2008.... time flies so fast that i'm worried i didn't do my best during my 21 years of birth and now adding one more year of wasted days of my life....but then again, i realise, i did do some remarkable things during my life on earth of these 21 years..... although it might not effect anyone in any ways, but it has thought me alot on being a better human being in the future. and i am...trying and still learning to be a good citizen that can actually make a different in this world...maybe one of these day i can...

well....like every other birthdays....there's always a cute birthday speech right?so yea...i think i wanna make a speeach la...not a long one....just a simple thank u speech...
first and foremost, bismillahirahmannirahim, my family.... my dad, Mr. Johan Ariffin b. Zainal Abiddin for believing in me and letting me persue my dreams and never gave up on me on my toughest time in my life...i love u dearly and yes, u are my true hero and idol....no one can replace my dad.... my mom, Pn. Zainah bt. Mohd Zain, for bringing me into this world and sharing everything u know about life with me and teaching me to be a better person and to be nice with everyone around me.... i love u mama.....i shall always be with u..... my step parents Dr. Noorliza Ibrahim and Captain Abbas, thank u for making both of my parents happy and being there for them when they are in need....and thank u for accepting me as ur own child and love me and my sisters as ur owns...i appreciate it really..... to my sisters, step-sisters and step-brother, Fathiha, Johanna, Lisa, Juliana, Zelda, Azman, Alyssa, Mariam and Haya.....thanks for being there as a family would and the bond that brings us closer.... to all my other family members (grandparents, uncles, aunties and cousins)....we're still a family no matter what....
my teachers, lecturers and mentors....thank u for teaching me how to do my best in everything i do and never gave up on me and my studies although i ever listen much in class... XP
to all my wonderful friends.....thank u for being there for me all the time....killing my boredom...helping me with my work and studies.... being a good ear and shoulder to cry on....the fun times we had spent together....it'll be in my heart forever......i'll cherish it forever.....i would mention the names of all my friends one by one but that mean's my speech gonna be like...forever.....so to all my friends (u know who u are)....i LOVE all of u..u guys are special in ur own ways....everyone is such a wonderful individuals.

ou wow!that's like...the shortest speech ever...heheheee~

well.....done with the thank u speech...now is for the wishing list... XP .... yea...i know its unnecessary but then again..this is the only time that i can make it right?hehehhee~
ok..my wish list....
1) that my family bond will never be broken...i love my family too much...
2) that our friendship all forever no matter no long that we've not met....
3) that human stop polluting and start make a different in this world...say no to plastic bag, do not litter, use less electricity, stop illegal lodging and all the other stuff that can harm the world that we live in.
4) stop child abuse....they didn't ask to be born, so why should they learn of war or pain?
5) stop domestic violent...did love started before domestic?why can we just keep the love that we had?
6) stop animal abuse...no matter what it is...animals are also living creatures that lives here on earth...
7) make love..not war...lets just make this world a better place for the next generation...one step at a time...be a hero....
8) for my friends to stop smoking....just for a day atleast...on my birthday maybe?
9) just being with family and friends is enough for me on my birthday...
10) fine...i wish for a new digital camera, baskin robin's ice cream cake, a big bag of M&Ms, a SUB jaket i saw in One Utama, pizzas, dresses and shoes...hehehee~ ou one more wish...i need a boyfriend....hahhahaa~kidding.... :P

anyways..... sorry for blabbering on stuff...:P i mean...i dunno what else to type anymore...just that erm....as we grow older...everything has to be change to suit with the upcoming lifestyle....if we can just make a different, a good different, i reckon we can make this world a better place for everyone.....

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

friends and foes

2008-11-27T14:19:00.006+08:00

what happen when two of ur closes friends doesn't agree with each other? who do u choose to side with? the one u know earlier or someone who u think u know better? when this happen and u do have to choose one of them, it makes ur life hard and finally both of them won't talk to u and all... it freaks me out when that happen coz whatever u do, u still need them in ur life right?

not matter how bad the situation is, u would still want to tbe the person that make peace for them and be a team again. it's hard isn't it?to think that they are not grown up and think wisely on what actions they've made. i'm not saying that they are grown up or anything..i mean, i'm still growing up and make alot of mistake myself, but all i think is that..... what i meant to say is that instead of fighting, can't we just talk it over? i know there will be some arguement and all but in the end, u'll eventually hug each other and just forgive each other. i know it's easy to forgive rather than forgetting but when time passes by, u'll forget it anyway. somehow, i got that alot...

to think that i can be a peace maker is not really an option coz both will come running to u when they needed someone and u'll try to make the best out of urself and be a friend to them and hope that one day they'll do the same thing for u.....well i hope that they can still remember it..hehehee~

i've learned not to hate, because i used to hate everything and i've forgotten the most important thing in life...which is....LOVE! so people, just love, and u will be loved. i love that feeling of being loved, it might be hard to find at first, but onceu got it, u'll never wanna let go of that feeling. so be nice to everyone, that includes those who's not really that close to u. because to me, it's easier to be nice rather than thinking of ways to destroy some other people's life...
:P

anyways...i can't really think straight right now coz it's 2.10am and i got some stuff bothering me...to think about my future and past mistakes.....i don't wanna make the same mistake all over again...i did it twice, just hope that the 3rd one's a charm....i hope...i would wait forever to this moment and don't wanna rush things.....im scared but i know i have to face it.. :)
so.........untill next time.......
friends are forever.....
like my friend once said a friend is like the needle of a clock, though we are at the same clock, we are not able to meet, and even if we meet, it'll only be a few second...but somehow,we always stay connected.

GOD is always playing chess with each of us. He make moves in our life and then just sit back to see how we react to the challenges. SO MAKE THE BEST MOVE!

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

to papa with love....

2008-11-20T00:54:00.002+08:00

today, as soon as i woke up from my sleep, i had a devastating phone call from my step-mom saying that my dad was admitted in Klang hospital for dengue fever and that he's platelette is as really low... it's only 20..normal people like us, our platelette is the average of 120-200.. so to know that my dad, the only 'man-of-the-house', hero, 'strongest daddy in the world' and family supporter is sick, i break down and cry. i seriously cried my eyes out. not because that i'm having a bad feelings or anything, i just broke down and cried because the man that i know immortal is.....mortal after all...

my dad has always been the hero in my heart, i don't think anyone else can be the hero that he is to me because he's always there, not only for me, but for all of his daughters, no matter how bad the damage is, he's always there to help us pull through. he is the hero of my heart because, i don't think anyone can manage to raise 6 wonderful girls in one house right? he did it without a doubt is he is the man of steel! he raise us to be strong, firm and at the same time gentle to one another.

visited him for awhile during visiting hour, he looked so pale and weak, i makes me wanna cry, but i can't show it infront of him. i have to be strong. before i leave, we shook hands, and then for the 1st time ever, right after i kissed his hand and his cheek, he kissed my cheek back and i feel.... WOW! for the 1st time that i know....he's not the person that would do that but he did it...to me.... i cried....in the car..
:P

when i think about him being in the hospital alone, i just feel like crying again because i just don't like the fact that he's there at all... he's suppose to be the one that worries about he's daughters and do everything he can to cheer us up but now that he's there alone, it makes me scared, for him.... i imagine alot of possible things that might happen in the hospital while he's there but i try not to, i mean, i wanna be there to take care of him, i don't want the nurse to take care of him, that's my job!!!!NOT URS!!! :'(

well, right now, in the house, i have to fully take in charge of every situation because i'm the oldest since my eldest moved out 2 weeks ago and i'm responssible for any damaged caused by any one of my sisters or anything happen to my sisters. i hope i can do it, i know i can, i just need a little bit of guidence.

to papa, get well soon, i'll visit u everyday until u're back at home, i will do everything i can to help u out in the house while u rest at the hospital. i know i'm not a perfect daughter to u all this time and that i've never really care much about this family when i was a teenager, but i promise u, after what happened today, i will not let u down, everything i do that got ur blessings, i will do my best and make u proud. i promise i won't break down and cry after this, i shall be strong and face the challenges that's been thrown at me.
i love u so much papa, i've said this a million times but i'm gonna say it again and i'll never stop saying it with all my heart..... i LOVE u papa...

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

feelings

2008-11-18T19:23:00.005+08:00

feeling, what is it with it? i mean, i'm just trying to go o with my life and stop thinking about all this relationships and my sadness of my BESTfriend's death and suddenly so many people starts talking about it all over again and somehow i think i drawn to it as well. i know i shouldn't, but i'm a human being too, i have feelings, i want a person that can show me love, respect me as a woman and show me the real meaning of love. i had that before, i have to say, i was loved, bymy family, friends, my bestfriend (RIP), and that special some one... i had it all, i feel, i felt but now i wanna be numb... i mean...i don't feel like feeling anything at the moment.... it's not that i don't wanna feel anything mind u, it's just that i don't wanna feel the pain that i'm going through, i know everyone will agree with me on that, but then again, who are we to complaint huh?

since we can't complaint, i guess it's best that we make it positive...somehow.... i mean, i have the pain feeling but i got people that's always there for me and i'm really thankful for that... but somehow, i miss my dear bestfriend. i still can't believe that's he's gone, i know, i did try to forget about him but somehow, when my friends talking about their bestfriends, it makes me miss him more and i always cope it in my heart, i feel like crying, i just wanna stop thinking about him, but i can't. i love him too much to let him go while i'm stuck here moping alone. this love that i have for him is more than a bestfriend-family-friends kindda love, but it's more of a would-die-for, winning-the-world-cup, over-the-moon kindda love. the love that can't be found anywhere else, it' true that i would die for him, i would do anything to make him happy. the real love that i don't think i have for my ex-boyfriends. this is much too strong. and i'm afraid because of this, i might not love my future 'soulmate' like i love him.

of coz i don't want that, i wanna feel the love that i had for him, the love that i would make him cherish and i will make him the happiest man alive, i may not be the perfect person thats gonna fulfill every requirement but i know that i have to always respect and love my future 'soulmate' like i've never had. since i've only had 2 boyfriends before this, so i promise myself that on this 3rd one, i shall promise to myself that i will give my all to him and that i will be the best soulmate for him as well.

i don't know if it's gonna be soon or later that i'm gonna go back into this relationship thing, but then again, if that special someone just walk up to me and make me the happiest person in this world, i will cherish it with all my heart like what i've did to everyone that i've ever loved!

Half the world is sleeping,
Half the world's awake
Half can hear their hearts beat
Half just hear them break

I am but a traveler, in most every way
Ask me what you want...to know

What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way

When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in,
What a journey it has been.

I have been to sorrow
I have been to bliss
Where I'll be tomorrow,
I can only guess

Through the darkest desert
Through the deepest snow,
Forward always forward, I go..

What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way

When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in,
What a journey it has been...

Forward, always forward...
Onward, always up...
Catching every drop of hope
In my empty cup

What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way

When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in,
What a journey it has been.

Cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

the term of exploding....

2008-11-13T20:14:00.004+08:00

my mood was ok at first today...i mean, i was doing my revision before my exam when my friend told me some stuff that make me just wanna walk up to that certain person and just throw my shoe that him or bitch-slap him or something..but then again i know violence won't solve anything right? i so just try not to think about it and continue with my revision but somehow a little part of it still stuck in my mind... i can control it but i guess my 'bitchy' feeling was conquering my mind.. i can't help it anyway....

i mean, come on, if you got something against me, come and tell me straight la, u don't have to go and get close to my younger sisters and my dad with the reason "trying to get close" to me because i've been "avoiding" u... don't u have any other thing to do? what did i do to make u wanna get close to me so badly? i know that i sure did not cast any spell on anyone or anything......GOD!

everyone can get close to me, but please, don't lie and just be urself... look at all my friends...they're my friends coz they are themselves and not fake.

and no matter how u wanna get close to me by my sisters or my dad, i just wanna tell u that they will be on my side and not yours! although i was once not the best child in the family but atleast i'm trying my best to get close to them and i swear to God if u do anything to harm any of us in any way...any way at all............. i will never let u go until i have my revenge....somehow...anyhow!just to make sure ur life is gonna be a total Hell on earth...

i may good like a goodie goodie girl who alot of people wanna take advantage of....but i can tell u that i can be MORE than that..... i'm not treatening or anything, but i swear that i will do something if u come near me or my family....

it's between me and u...stop harassing my friends as well....

ou snap!!!i think i've lost it....i just wanna get that out of my chest...hehheee~ it's been in me for quite some times already...i think by typing that, i feel a sudden relieve in my mind.... ^_^

im so sorry to everyone who's reading this post.... it's nothing really...i just wanna let it go...

ok..i'm good now......but i wanna write something really random now....

when you found your soulmate, just make sure that the person you're with is actually add the happiness in your life and not sadness and sorrow.....and miserable time.....(you've been through it, you should know)..

if you shed a tear because of that particular person, then you should re-think about him/her on being your soulmate.

this lyric i wrote is about something that happens to me in some part of my life...it's called 'wondered'...

I don't know
If it a lie
So many great words
That I've heard from you
But something is missing
Something that completes the puzzle
The mysteries of my life

Why does it always a reason
That makes me wondered
A reason to live
A lie to make me feel better
Makes me feel alive
Although I am dying inside
When everything seems wrong
It's just isn't right for me
Why should I be clueless?
Never know the truth
You think it might hurt me
The pain of lie hurts more
My heart is bleeding
With the blade of lies in time
Killing me inside out
Forever like a moment
A moment is never forever
The wound might heal soon
Dry out without love and emptiness
No sympathy without crimes
Crying out the pain that once gone
Praying for a second chance
Growing make us wise
And as we go our way
Wonder where the road leads us
Shall hold it in our heart
An eye to keep me straight
Guide me to the grace
A heart to keep me going
To the broken road ahead that's gone
And life will be kind
And our soul will find another soul to love
The faith will keep me safe
The truth will never stop us
From knowing what's right
And by learning to love and forgive
But never forget the things we've been through

Cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

the music of my heart....

2008-11-11T13:42:00.004+08:00

well.....exams is so near...and i know i should be studying...and i am...writting this blog is like a stress release for me, i can let anything out, i mean.....im having this really bad sore throat, flu -feverish and cough..but despite all that, i still manage to write something up.

u know the feeling when somebody's writting poem or a song..it makes u wanna write as well....but u just got no inspiration at all???
yea..i got that problem..but then again...one of my dear friend (thanks Joe) told me to just fantasize and just write something..it doesn't have to be reality or anything...but when you dream of something but just have to imagine and everything will come in place...
well, that's what i've been doing and still can't get the idea...so what i did is that i write something that i like most in my life (other than my family and my friends), MUSIC. it's kinda hard but i think i pulled it off somehow...

it might not sound good or anything....i mean...this is my 1st attempt after 3-4 years of not writting (darn i feel old)... so bear in mind that this might not be as good as all those professional writter that's been writting their whole life..i mean, i'm not a writter.... im just a low life chef-in-the-making, freelance performer who needs a job to support my future... :)

ok..so here goes.... the title of my poem-song is called 'the music of my heart'....
yea i know it sounds like N'sync and Gloria Estefan's song from the movie with the same name as well.....darn... ok ok.... move on with the main part of this post.........

The melody of my soul
The song that keeps me away from the dark
The fire that kept me away from cold
The masterpiece and work of art
The lyric that I long to hear
The things that completes before I start
The symphony that calms my fear
That’s the music of my heart

Being so good to hear the song I could hardly stand it
Everything goes like planned and hold that thought while I get candid

Like a beautiful guitar strum the cord of mercy
Breathe life into me, restore my soul completely
I’m out of tune at some parts; I have some string need of mending
I know I can do better, for you can help me sing

Write a tune upon my heart
The instruments will never be apart
I’m captivated and my heart elated
Everything in this world will not be tormented
Every single line’s full of love divine
Write to me like a valentine

With the tune my heart won’t sigh
With the sound my heart won’t cry
With the cord that knows where the road goes
With the words that make your love grows

The song that’s being written
Is all about the journey that I’ve learned
Being truth to yourself and being grateful
For all the things that’s been done and being thankful

And I think it’s telling me it might be you
And that I should just be with you
And listen to the music that’s being played again
The unfamiliar strain from way back when
And while the song still brings that certain glow
And the words still sing of love I know
Every note and every line
It's always been a favourite song of mine

yea..i know it sounds cheesy and all... and it's not like the one i wrote a few years ago but..... i did my best and i hope you like it...

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

Sorry seems to be the hardest word!

2008-11-09T17:42:00.002+08:00

we think by saying 'sorry', we can eventually erase the hurt caused to others. and just beacause we say so, it does not mean that the recipient have to accept it right?
right....

also, NOT saying 'sorry' too has become a morm these days, i know of someone who had caused me in a grievious pain through his/her words and action a couple of times. being the straight in your face type, when i confronted him/her, he/she only managed to utter a barely there, 'NOOOOO'.

what was that suppose to mean? perhaps it's 'sorry' in his/her language but i honestly think NOT, i guess sorry seems to be the hardest word to say.

we are quickly to say sorry when we accidentally kick someone's leg or hit an arm or bump into someone in the crowd. then we smile at each other and vaporise into the milling crowd going about our own bussiness. but if a relationship was formed, not to mention friendship, partnership or ancentral, we don't easily forget or forgive. we suffer in silence, sometimes complaining to all how injustice was done upon us.

it was heartening when the newly elected Australian Prime Minister Kein Rudd (yes, i do read the newspaper) made a public apology to the aborigines especially to the Stolen Generation- the families that was broken up by state decree for their children to be assimilated into mainstream society. the deep sense of humanity in acknowledging the unspeakable emotional suffering of the victims all this time.

although such an apology was late in coming, nevertheless, it still brought tears flow freely that day. hearts were touched. one oborigine lady remarked "it took so long for us to hear this, and now it is over. we have to move on with our lives".

beautifully said, indeed. it was admirable to accept the wrongs done and the courage to express remorse.

apologies must come from the very core of our hearts. the word 'sorry' is not so cheap after all.....
;p

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

trying to hide but can't...

2008-11-07T12:30:00.003+08:00

have you ever had that feeling of insecurity? i mean, lets face it, i think everyone has atleast have a taste of that feeling and you feel so trap that you just wanna scream or cry or just be somewhere that no one can find you....atleast for a few days. well, i'm having that sort of feelings right now. insecurity is one thing, but lack of confidence just makes me loose hope. i just wanna run away, hide in one place where no one can find me, just to have a peace of mind... but then again, as im writting this, i know most of you who read my post will feel like slapping me or shake me up to make me snap out of it.... so...yea..im sorry im sorry that i gave a negative aura in this blog right now...ok...i shall snap myself..woah! :)

for the 1st time ever, i have to admit that i need my own inspiration, guidance and my own comfort... i know that i have all that through mostly by my family and by my friends, but at times, i wish i could be one myself.. i mean by having my own inspiration, that 'something' that can lift me up to a new beginning, the reason for me to stay awake and make a difference in my life or even inspire others to make a difference in their life. ou how i wish i could do that... but then again, i think i should just take one step at a time.

i noticed that life is about changing, not stick to one thing forever or all the time. but then again, once you found the perfect 'thing' that you're looking for, it's better that you cherish it and never let it go no matter how bad the situation it might be... although some other things might be better than what you have, you should not just let it go for something new, that something new might not be as perfect as you expected, and then you may want back you old thing but somehow it's not there for you anymore. this specific "thing" can be apply to everything you can think of. like your shoes, clothes, pets, relationships and even lifes.

we all have something to be regret of right? i do, i have some unpleasent things to be regret of and i hope that i won't that silly simple mistakes ever again.. life is about exploring what you can in this world, it doesn't have to be something stupid (like what they are doing in 'jackass the movie') or anything but to try something new.. so if you don't think you can dance, go ahead and make a fool of yourself, you'll never know if you're a better dancer that you think you are. some say "don't let other people judge you, let you judge yourself..".. well i say "come on, some things are mend to be judge by others... well.... atleast to give you a piece of mind on what your good at..." and what other way but to let your family (espeacially your parents) to judge you, they will give full support on what you are good at. there's where you'll find out what you're really good at, and then you stick to it.

i know i'm writting craps right now but then again, i have to get some stuff out of my head so i have to write something right?
so just stop thinking about all the stress that you're having and just let it go.... i think i'm feeling better now that it's all over (i hope it's forever). i just wanna think about what i'm about to do later and tomorrow and the day after day and next year and my future.i can't predict my future but right now if i start doing things positively, i think i might just have a better future ahead.

so to everyone else, i love you guys, never let one thing, one thought destroy your whole life and your future... you are so much better than you think you are.... trust me!
:)

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

life goes on.....

2008-11-06T12:56:00.003+08:00

i don't understand why a person would condemn him/herself for such small reason... 'relationship'... i mean... i've always thought that in a relationship, it should always add to your happiness and not the other way around right? but then again, i can't believe because of it, they can lose everything, their world, their life and even...their soul... why?
i know you can't describe what it feels like when you're in a relationship (well, i know i can't), you feel over the moon, like your life begins and everything that matters just dissapears and like you dare to take the risk of anything that was given to you. i had that feelings before so i think i might know how every other person in the world would feel....

i mean, i loved, was loved, heartbroken and all but when i think about it again, everytime i have a problem with my ex, i always turned to my friends and family. they may not know much about my and my ex relationship but they always find a way to cheer me up, in what ever way they can, and im really thankful for all that..i really am...

in life, we have to take whatever risks that is thrown at us, but don't think of it as a risk.....think of it like a life experience that everyone has to go through before you find out what's gonna happen with your life... you may have to get hurt in order to learn from your mistake and take what's best for you in the future.

never think that you're life suck UNLESS you don't have a family, friends, a place to stay or the knowledge of anything at all... without that..... yes...you're life sucked big time.... but then again... without all that, you can still make the best out of yourself!

like me, i've always hated myself, i always thought that i was alone in the world, my family doesn't support what i do, i'm not pretty that everyone hates me, i was so dumb that i can't get anything right....and the list goes on......and because of that, i think that's why i had a really terrible childhood and teenage years...but somehow, i snapped out of it already...... i learned to appreciate what i have and thank God for all the lovely people that supported me through out, mainly my family... i never knew all that until i realized it by 'opening' my eyes. and with that.. i love al of them so much.... so just be thankful with what you have....

well, in relationship should be like that as well, thank God for the wonderful person you're with and always find a reason to be with them even though it's anly for awhile, always be considerate and understanding...... when you see your love ones, just go to them and greet him/her with a kiss even before you start a conversation. hold him/her tight and don't let go. never make promises you can't keep and the most important thing is, TRUST your partner because without it... i don't think you can go far.... trust, is the main key of a relationship!

so, if you're not in a relationship, don't get bumped out about it, this is the chance to hang-out with your friends more, be at home with your family more and this is the time that you should do what you've always wanted to do... ^_^

i've wrote this song before in one of my blog entry but i think i should write it down again just to show you guys roughly what to be thankful for.... i know i am..... i wrote it when i was 16 so it's abit un-proper...so bear with me-LAH!
-_-'''

how could i ask for more....

there's nothing like a warm of a summer afternoon
Waking throught he sunlight, and being cradled by the moon
catching fireflies at night, building castles in the sand
kissing mama's face goodnight and holding daddy's hand

Thank You......how could i ask for more....

running bare foot throught he grass, a little hide-and-go-seek
being so in love you can hardly eat
dancing in the dark, when there's no one else around
being bundled beneath the covers, watching rain falls to the ground

Thank You......how could i ask for more....

so many things i've thought would bring me happiness
some dreams that are realities today
such an irony the things that means the most to me
are the memories that i've made along the way

so if there's anything i've learned from this journey i am on
simple truth will keep you going, simple love will keep you strong
coz there are questions without anwers, flames that never dies
heartache we go through are often blessings in disguise

so Thank You.....
Thank You.....How could i ask....for more...

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

a new birth.....a new life...

2008-11-03T11:02:00.005+08:00

a new birth.....a birth, meaning giving a new life...today, at 3am, i heard a funny noise at the back of my house..i know i should be sleeping but i had a really fun day so i manage to stay up a little while longer. my sister was shouting "princess is giving birth!!!!".....
i turn off my laptop and ran down through the kitchen door to the back of my house (coz there's where my dad put the cage)... and what i saw for the next 2hours was a miracle + painful experience..well...for the cat atleast..... Princess, the name that my youngest sister gave to her cat was really active and strong and we never thought that it would give birth to 3 wonderful new kittens and i can assure you that this won't be the last of it too... *wink wink*....hehheeee~
i would take some birth giving shoots but it was dark and we don't wanna scare the cat with the camera's flash so we decided not to take any photograph until the next morning...which is today la.........

it's a miracle how birth can give lifes and joy to some but some still have the guts to kill it by doing abortions and stuff... its so unfair because the infants wanna life their lifes too..although they can't think now, they still can feel and experience pain when some people thinks that they don't deserves to live. everyone deserve a chance on living. just for the seck of experience and to feel what it's like living in a place called earth. if we could just stop these cruelty, i think that we might actually live in a perfect world.

the pain that the mothers had during labour and giving birth is the one thing that all men feared. i heard from all mothers that the pain can sometimes be so unbareble that they would want to end their life just to save the baby. by saying that, i just wanna tell everybody to just hug ur mom and say thank you for giving u life so you can experience all life can bring... so what if it sucks sometimes, don't give up because, life do bring miracles sometimes...no..you don't have to look for it...you just need to think positive in life and that everything is going your way...and by doing that, you'll somehow will achive what you want in no time....it happens!!to everyone..so be thankful for what you have....

anyways..what im trying to call out is just..appreciate what you have and don't ever take things for granted...at all..........

cheers

Shahila Johan

at the term of breaking.....

2008-11-01T01:07:00.002+08:00

you know how it feel when you were hoping for something really bad but in the end it doesn't come your way? it's either you feel like shouting and cursing or you just feel like seating down at that quiet little corner and just...break down and cry....

well.....i'm feeling that way now. it's not because of anything mind you.... it's just a process of life i guess. i mean, everyone have to have that feeling eventually... like they say, nobody's perfect...not even the Queen herself. but i'm still trying, trying be more mature about life, being more open to others and taking risk when i have the chance.

not everyone had a perfect life...mine isn't all that perfect as well... but i do try and make the best out of everything, somehow.

today was suppose to be the same, i didn't do much today and was planning of my day for tomorrow and when someone suddenly making excuses to avoid something and you know that they are lying, it just somehow pisses you off.... well, i'm trying not to get pissed off... but somehow, my evil feeling is taking over me and i got mad...it's not good..seriously...i don't get mad easily...

so what i did was i meditate and put my thought into something else... i think about all the good things that had happened in my life and the things that are coming my way.

is it just me or i'm 'blapping' about goodie goodie thing? darn!!!sorry...

i just have to say, tackle life with all your skills to overcome each and every hills, if you persist with all your will, you'll enjoy life and it's thrill, so just chill........

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

my secret!heheheeee~

2008-10-29T21:17:00.003+08:00

this incident happens alot....and it happens to me too...
i mean, if you're close to someone for a really long time, you somehow would eventually get this feeling like you just wanna spend your lifetime with him and no one else but he just doesn't have the same feeling like what you have. i don't think i could escape from that feeling, i don't want to fall in love with someone who doesn't know me well, that's why i prefer making friends than having a relationship that's more than that.
but this friend of mine passed away, and it's almost a month now and i still can't forget him at all, he's always on my mine, either i'm alone or with my friends, if i suddenly kept quiet, it's just because it somehow remind me of him. but!i'm not sad or anything, i just think about all the funny and crazy stuff that we did together and it's all fine and that's how i still have my smiling face. but also because of this, he may never know how i really feel. but than again.... I'm glad..

I've known you for so long
You are a friend of mine
But is this all we'd ever be?
I've loved you ever since
You are a friend of mine
And babe is this all we ever could be?

You tell me things I've never known
I shown you love you've never shown
But then again, when you cry
I'm always at your side
You tell me 'bout the love you've had
I listen very eagerly
But deep inside you'll never see
This feeling of emptiness
It makes me feel sad
But then again
I'm glad

I've known you all my life
You are a friend of mine
I know this is how it's gonna be
I've loved you then and I love you still
You're a friend of mine
Now, I know friends are all we ever could be

You tell me things I've never known
I shown you love you've never shown
But then again, when you cry
I'm always at your side
You tell me 'bout the love you've had
I listen very eagerly
But deep inside you'll never see
This feeling of emptiness
It makes me feel sad
But then again
Then again
Then again
I'm glad

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

workskop in KK, sabah...

2008-10-27T16:28:00.004+08:00

once we arrived in Sabah, we were picked up by the lion's club member to have lunch at the garden seafood restaurant....

i have to admit that they treat us (the Broadway Parodies(BPLL) Lagi Lah casts and crews) really really nice.... like we're the VIP that was there to bring them fortune....but i know that they do this because we were their invited guests and we are there to help them to raise fund for the less fortunate childrens all across Sabah and Malaysia if i'm not mistaken and i'm truely honoured to be part of this wonderful event.

Sabah is a really wonderful place to be in...although while we were there, it's been raining non-stop, but what we did there was really a priceless and a new yet great experience for everyone.

right after our lunch, we were brought to our hotel to unload our stuff and then straight to a place we were to conduct a workshop.

The Cast Members of BPLL had the opportunities to share some tips on how to be a performing artist. We conducted a short 2 hours debrief of Acting, Singing & Dancing in the said event which was attended by more than 20 students from various backgrounds.

the students there was so nice and adorable,each of everyone of them have their own talent and we are truely honoured to have conducted the workshop for them.

so we hope that the workshop actually taught them something important, which is not to be shy and stay grounded all the time....

cheers
Shahila Johan

the final trip of 'Broadway parodies lagi lah'.

2008-10-19T16:39:00.003+08:00

as many might have know, i like to keep myself busy with everything i can think of so i won't waste any of the time i have and for the past few months, i've been busy rehearsing and performed in KL, Ipoh, Penang and johore and next thursday, i'll be performing with (again) the talented casts of 'Broadway parodies lagi lah!'.

the amazing journey have brougth us together like a whole new big family and i love all of them in their own ways.

well, our last stop is going to be in Sabah.

Day/Date: Saturday 25 October 2008

Matinee Show : 03:00 PM

Evening Show : 08:30 PM

Venue : Universiti Malaysia Sabah's Recital Hall

For tickets please contact

1) Thomas Ho (016-8101787)

2) Dr Kheng (088-267000)

3) SPArKS (088-222939)

4) Margaret Lau (012-8026282)

5) Glenda Liew (016-8307366)BPLL National Tour (Sabah) is proudly sponsored by The Lions Club Kota Kinabalu Sutera

for more information, you can always go to www.broadwayparodieslah.blogspot.com

cheers

shahila

in the loving memory.....

2008-10-14T22:23:00.002+08:00

on Friday, 10th October 2008, at 2.40pm, as i was about to get ready to make a sound-check before a full dress rehearsal that's being held in Wawasan Open university for my the show 'Broadway Parodies lagi lah', i got a devestated instant text messege from a friend that's made my heart stopped! for awhile that i feel the world is suddenly spinning so fast that i can't breathe, i dropped everything that i was holding and i suddenly felt lost.....that i don't know what was i doing anymore....i'm lost and trapped, in my own mind.... that just like that, i have officially found out that i've just lost a truest-bestest-loyal-loving friend that i've known forever.

he was Malay-Japanese-Javanise while im the Malay-chinese javanise-dutch....he was born on the same year, same month but not on the same date with me, he was born 5 days after my birth day... and fromt that day on, we do everything together, we talk, laugh, play and even showered together (when we were babies la....)...we even got ourselves sick together so we can skip school together. he is more than a friend to me, he is like a brother, that protected me from bullies (i was a tomboy back then), shelter me from harm, lift me up when i was down and would do anything just to make me smile.... and i promised him that i'd do anything to make him happy... never to see him shed a tear, being with him all the time so he won't be lonely and would even take care of him when he's sick. but now...i still can't believe that he's gone...for good...

'for good'....the song from the musical 'wicked' was our theme song together...he'll always sing Glenda's part and i'm Elphaba.... everytime i hear it now, i can't help myself but to cry alone, because i do really love him, with all my heart, he's the one guy that i'll ever trusted, he is the perfect gentleman, the ideal guy that's every girl's dream..... just spend 5 minutes with him and you'll understand what i mean, his touch is so gentle that it would make your heart sink... he is so loyal and caring that no one can take his place in my heart.

i still can't believe that he left me just like that, without saying goodbye, without letting me tell him how i really feel about him, the feeling that i have will only remain in my heart, for the truth cannot be spoken anymore.

why wasn't i there for him when he was sick??? how can i enjoy my life while he's lying on the hospital bed, coma.... just thinking about me not being there for the last for him is the most sinful thing that anyone has ever committed. i promised him that i'll be there for him no matter what, but i'm on tour for my show and negleted him for a week, and just like that, he's gone from my life forever. i'll never get the chance to see his laugh when he makes his own jokes, i'll never get to take a ride with him anymore and i'll never get the chance to tell him that i love him.

it makes me cry everytime that someone reminds me of him, the song, the shirt, the colors, the food, the drinks, the smile and the laughter. words cannot describe how i feel right now.

but Rieffy bear, i'll never forget you. no matter how hard it has been for us, we've made it through...it's us, only us, we've made our dreams alive. just like the song.... because i knew you, i have been change....for good.....
this is for you...

ELPHABA:
I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you -You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
(spoken) For both of us
(sung) Now it's up to you

GLINDA:
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let themAnd we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sunLike a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

ELPHABA:
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with meLike a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

GLINDA:
Because I knew you
BOTH:
I have been changed for good

ELPHABA:
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
GLINDA:
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

BOTH:
And none of it seems to matter anymore

GLINDA (ELPHABA):
Like a comet pulled (Like a ship blown)From orbit as it (Off it's mooring)Passes a sun, like (By a wind off the) A stream that meets (Sea, like a seed) A boulder, half-way (Dropped by a)Through the wood (Bird in the wood)

BOTH:
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better?

GLINDA:
And because I knew you
ELPHABA:
Because I knew you

BOTH:
Because I knew you
I have been changed.......
for good.

i don't think its proper to put a picture of him because he's a dear friend to me and i want him to rest in peace.... may your soul is blessed.

LOVE,
Shahila Johan
<3

animals right....

2008-10-13T11:58:00.004+08:00

(the kitty is resting in my arms and wouldn't let me go)

it's kinda funny because i thought that i wanted to write about the trip that i had recently or about a death of my dear friend that's been with me ever since we were born but just a few hours ago, i found the most incredible story that i think i can share with everyone... it's about life, love and humanity.....

around 8.30am today, when i reach my college on the way to the class on the third floor, my eyes suddenly struck at something that was so tiny hiding and staring at me, i quickly and quietly walk towards it and i found a kitty... a small little kitten that looks like the kitties i have at home (about 3 weeks old). so when i walk towards it, the kitty suddenly walk towards me as well, and when i sat down next to it, the kitty suddenly jump on to my lap and starts cuddling with me (so manja......) :) but i found out that there's blood around it's ears and nose (which eventually stained my white top, but it's ok.... ;p).i found out later that the kitten has been there for a week and it has been kick and 'wooshed' away before. it was a heartbroken for me honestly, i mean, how can people do that to such innocent creature that God's made to keep us company for some reason. animal got life too, with feelings and the sense of love. Stupid People!

i was alone then, so eventually, no one was there to help me and i can't just walk out of the kitten so i just sat there for awhile with the kitty when finally i saw my friend, he just sat next to me and talk to me without even looking at the injured kitty on my lap, so i just talk to him and showing him and giving hint on helping me but he doesn't even care....

but then Roland (one of my classmate that's been helping me alot) came to the rescue, he found a box and together, we bought some fish and fed the kitten..but then, we have a problem, i got class to attend at 9am and no one will look after the baby kitty and then came Shafiq, he helped abit, by staying with me until i find a place for the kitten but in the end, it was 9.10am and we really have to go so we decided to leave the kitten at the corridor and pray so no one would harm it.

at the end of the class, i think i was the first one to run out to look at the kitten but in the end i only found an empty box with fish bones inside of it. so wherever it is, i hope the kitten is happy and away from all the harms and cruelty that's here among us. Let it live to know how the world is and i hope that everyone can change and just be nice to the animals. STOP ANIMAL CRUELTY!!!!

cheers

Shahila Johan

how could i ask for more....

2008-10-03T21:15:00.002+08:00

In life, everyone makes silly mistakes. But in every mistake, there's the good and the bad. I've never knew why, but it seems that in human nature, people always think about the MINOR negative outcomes and never appreciate what's good come to them…..they always thought that life sucks because nothing ever comes their way, but they never really thought about what remarkable things they have done for the past years of their life.

Just because you breakup with somebody, doesn't mean you have to mope around all day,week or even years and let the world sympathize you. and then you think that you're doomed never to have a relationship for all your life….WTF!!!so what if your not in a relationship right now??this is the time when you should STOP moping alone and start working with your life…hang out with your friends…go watch a movie…go read a book…or better yet…go find somebody and stop condemning ur partner for God's sakes..

YES it is true that you need a partner in life…but when you think about it (if ur under 25)don't you think that your still young??aren't young people suppose to feel nothing but free, young and happy??and not stress, confused and crappy???

For me..i have been through all that despite dat I m only 22(well almost..atleast its December..)….i have been through sorrows and even blists…I've been through the happiest days of my life to the worst day of my life…I've tried not to be myself just to pleased others …I've been crushed like a rock by the person whom I thought was 'THE ONE'…I've always thought that everyne (including my family, sorry...) hated me and is trying to put me down…lots of people I trusted had backstab me a lot….been teased at because of my physical size……being lonely all the time….the list could go on forever!!!!but I should stop…hehe…

Well..anyways…when I think about it again…I forgot all the wonderful things I've done too…I've scored in my exams…I was lucky to win some sports medals… someone likes me..someone loved me…I've been in love before that I couldn't breath….I've conquered mount santubung….i have a wonderful family who has been supporting me through out my days and still is…my true friends who's always there when I need them…music that eases my my pain….performed infront of atleast 10,000 audiences before and proud of it…..got to perform infront of our King and PM…got some insparations to write my own songs…..lucky to still have money in the bank…hehe…..lucky the have touched some people hearts (in a way..)….lucky 2 have YOU to read my blog…hehe….just to think about it again….i have a lot more to be thankful about…don't you think so too?????

All I wanted say is that, instead of thinking 'what a lousy day I had'…why don't you think about 'today, I met a cute guy'…or 'thank gosh I passed my exams'….or even 'YES!!!i've lost 2 kgs'….when you think about it…the SECRET not to think ur life sucks is simply wake up with a smile and think about one wonderful thing that you'er gonna do today..it doesn't have to be big… u can start with…'today…I should change my hair style..' or 'today…maybe I should say hello to the cute guy..(wink* wink*)'…or 'today, I'm not gonna stop think about my weight for awhile and eat as much as I want'….

I have wrote so many poetry and songs lyrics and it has helped me relax all the time…ITS TRUE!! and I've tried writing it in BM but I can't seem to do it well…or I'll write something really odd…so I guess I should just stick to english for now..but that doesn't mean that I will not write in BM in the future…I've promised myself somehow I will try..hehe…just..not so soon la….In da mean time….i leave you with somethng I would like to share… read on if u may…hehehe….

There nothing like the warm of a summer afternoon
Waking through the sunlight and being cradled by the moon.
Catching fireflies at night, building castles in the sand
Kissing mama's face goodnight and holding daddy's hand…
Thank you......how could I ask for more…

Running barefoot through the grass, a little hide and go seek
Being so in love you can hardly eat.
Dancing in the dark, when there's no one else around
Being bundled 'neath the covers and watching rain falls to the ground…
Thank you....how could I ask for more…

So many things I thought would bring me happiness
Some dreams that are realities today.
Such an irony the things that means the most to me
Are the memories that I've made along the way…

So if there's anything I've learned from this journey I am on
Simple truth will keep you going, simple love will keep you strong.
There are questions without answers and flames that never dies
Heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise…
So thank you…how could I ask for more…

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

the journey...

2008-10-02T15:48:00.000+08:00

Half the world is sleeping,
Half the world's awake
Half can hear their hearts beat
Half just hear them break
I am but a traveler, in most every way
Ask me what you want...to know

What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way
When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in,
What a journey it has been.

I have been to sorrow
I have been to bliss
Where I'll be tomorrow,
I can only guess
Through the darkest desert
Through the deepest snow,
Forward always forward, I go..

What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way
When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in,
What a journey it has been...

Forward, always forward...
Onward, always up...
Catching every drop of hope
In my empty cup

What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way
When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in,
What a journey it has been

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

the long and winding road....

2008-10-01T22:22:00.000+08:00

Life can be hard sometimes huh?but at the same time, its fun...to know that what we've been through eventually makes us think wiser. We can be trapped in a world of lies and games and rules that somehow, we think that we live in a virtual life or we can snap out of our dreams and deal with the reality that the world is offering. I like dreaming but at the same time, i like my dreams to become a reality. The more i think about it, i wonder if any of my dreams came to life yet or not..hmmmmm.....
I've always make myself busy with things so i could run away from the reality world but somehow i can't escape. sometimes i move to fast that i've forgotten my purpose in life. chasing my dreams to become reality, that's the main thing that i needed to do.
i think i did pretty good on slowly to fulfill my dreams. i've always love to perform infront of a crowd and i did!!!! and i think i might be addicted to it. Just to sing, dance or even act on stage with the lights shine on you is like.... you're in your own sweet world and at the same time making people relate to you. Going on tour and making people noticed you once in awhile is really fun! like, i have this one time, right after a performance, a little girl came to me and say "che che (kakak/sister) i like you". I couldn't ask for more. I love it... it's good to make a good impression to kids because they are the ones who gonna be us one day and we have to show them whats best for them.
Did i ever tell you that i cook? well, now you know. i can't say that i love cooking, but i think i can be good at it and when i cook, i love to see what they think of the food that i've made. i mean, i bake alot, so it's not like it's successful all the time but when it is, it's an awesome feeling!!!
on being alone, sometimes its better to be alone but not all the time... i mean, everyone need a partner in their life right, at a moment of their life, they wanna know the feeling of love and being love. i want that too! but i only want that when i can actually trust that person. i don't wanna rush things, i want it to be relax and cool, i want to feel the love that could add happiness to my life (and his of course) and not sadness or sorrows like most of the couples that we see now a days. i wanna love and be loved all over by the same person everyday of my life. to share everything and spend time just the two of us under the big blue sky on top of a hill somewhere or sit by the ocean while feeling the ocean's breeze. yea...maybe one of these days, when faith found someone.
friendship that last, not forever but last long enough to know who's your real friends and who are not. i have to say, i have lots of fantastic and awesome friends that have helped me through my ups and downs. we may have lost contact but somehow we manage to find a way to connect back with each other, and when they do, you just feel like you don't ever wanna let them go again. but eventually, you will, AGAIN!
anyways, what i'm trying to say is that, live your life to the max, if you wanna do something or try something new, i say "GO TRY IT!!!" you won't loose anything. just like the song from 'avenue Q', "everything in life, is only for now".......

cheers
shahila Johan
<3

the life....the new me!

2008-09-30T20:17:00.000+08:00

well....i've been thinking...of all the things that i've condemned all through my life with tragedies and heart broken and stuff,i forgot about my happiness..what really make me happy...
i must admit that i've been depressed at some point but when i think about it again, i wonder, how long that time was that i wasted with all the misery when i clearly have the chance to make everything right again...
i mean, life comes only once,so why dont u enjoy it to its full entent...never be angry, bored or sad, because to me, 1 minute of ur anger, sadness or even boredness, u'll eventually loose ur 60 second of happiness. and by all that mean,come on, get up and have some fun, trash ur room, hug ur parents for God's sake, laugh ur head's off...do whatever it is as long as ur not having a negative thoughts anymore...because from what i've learned, 1 minute of a negative thought can be dragged for days and u may think that u suck..wait..i mean,ur days sucks...u may feel that u wanna kill somebody or just scream ur lungs out or something...but u dont have to do that when u can shift all ur negative thought into positive somehow... dont ask me how,u just do it....
well, i must say it has worked for me,in a way, i love my classes now, i'm making new friends everyday, lending in one of the most biggest production in September, touring around Malaysia in October, making a fund for the under-privilage and maybe heal the world one day at a time.....
i'm loving every bit of my life right now, and i think u should too...no matter how hard life can be, just think about all the happiness u can bring to other just by smiling...the power of smiling is so strong that it can make an enemy to a friend....a smile increases value of face, anger spoils the beauty of soul, faith is the force of life and confidence is the companion of success....so whatever u do again, keep smiling.
so, at the end of the day, i can only leave u with these...
God will never leave you empty, He will replace everything you've lost, if He ask you to put down something, it's only because He wants you to pick up something greater!
cheers
shahila~
<3

the cronicle of a common human being...

well....it's true... =P

the Kiss maybe....

EYES

a little too soon?

Heaven side

It was you

If I die.

the break up song.

My Raya Post.

Done!

HANTU!

Gloomy...

Indian wedding ke?

today's random playlist.

Apakah!

Runaway Train...

end of another great year.....goodbye 2009!

Finish it!!!!!

my Worst enemy...

*blush*

happy 1st anniversary Riefy!

life in a week.....(in speed)

begin....

if i told you...

late night....

complication...

massive hedging.

month of serenity.

the encounter...(part 2)

backup session.

Mak kata tak baik main dalam rumah....

lost contact.....

the beginning of an end...

the encounter...

in another life time....

the sign....

Keep searching...

can love heal?

'til we meet again...

a love song?

just a voice

papa.........

colours...

numb...

secret (hush!)

we had that....moment...

i should be writing on.....

where has the music gone?

it's a wrap!!!!

the end of another special memory....

Prom the Musical live in KLPac..

the strenght of smilling...

so what did u do during earth hour?

60 earth hour... come join...

a new role...a new challenge...

Bitching...

finding money for a good cause....

Blessing....

LOVE.....

DanSing thru broadway live in DBKL auditorium..

Resolution........

a new chapter of drama.....

drama....

a will to survive....

circle of rumours.. :D

time for a splendid 2009!

did or didn't do in 2008!reminising of a normal person...me!

physical strenght...

a note on Christmas

a bakery with a mission...

a coincidence reunion to remember....

the cronicle!

another birthday went by...

friends and foes

to papa with love....

feelings

the term of exploding....

the music of my heart....

Sorry seems to be the hardest word!

blush